


I’ll Never Love Again

by uhhhzimzalabim



Category: TWICE - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Cancer, F/F, Hallucinations, Minor Seulrene, Panic Attack, Smut, Suicide, content warning, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:02:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 22,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25624843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhhhzimzalabim/pseuds/uhhhzimzalabim
Summary: Nayeon deals with the death of her longtime girlfriend Dahyun who took her own life.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Im Nayeon, Im Nayeon/Kim Dahyun, Im Nayeon/Myoui Mina
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Im very sorry if the story is not to your liking. This is my first time writing and I’m not sure how it'll turn out! The bold and italic lines you will see come from the song I’ll Never Love Again from the A Star is Born soundtrack. I suggest listening to it to better get a grasp of the story as you read along.

#  **Please read with Caution**

**_Wish I could, I could’ve said goodbye_ **

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Everything had been fine the morning Nayeon left to go work. She had woken up to Dahyun holding her with such love she had no idea she had in her. She was being so affectionate, kissing her so sickeningly sweet, saying tender nothings to her as if she was her world.

**_I would’ve said what I wanted to_ **

Nayeon should’ve known something was wrong. They had a huge argument the night before. Both exchanging harsh blows to one another in the heat of the moment.

“Do you think this is easy for me Dahyun? Constantly having to provide for us when I can barely afford the rent? I’m trying here Dahyun. I need you to realize that before I lose my head,” Nayeon firmly said.

“I also need you to realize that I’m also trying here. It’s not easy finding a job you know? I’m consistently looking at job applications everywhere. I keep getting turned down Nayeon. I don’t know how but somehow I do and I can’t understand what’s wrong with me. I’m sorry Nayeon. Maybe I can try again someday, but not now. I don’t think I’ll ever get it,” Dahyun somberly exclaimed.

She should’ve known it was a cry for help. She should’ve fucking known.

**_Maybe even cried for you_ **

Instead she took that last line as a start for an another argument, “Dahyun stop being so fucking lazy and start realizing the world doesn’t revolve you. The world isn’t gonna stop just because you’re so inept in everything you do.”

why did she say that? what was wrong with her?

“Excuse me?” stammered Dahyun. “I’m fucking trying Nayeon. You have to understand. I don’t shit on you for coming home with your boss's perfume on you. Bet you fucked her to get your current position huh? What other positions did you get into Nayeon? Bet you loved every single one.”

“Fuck you!” howled Nayeon. “Believe what you want to believe Dahyun. I didn’t fuck my boss no matter what you might think. I got to where I was because of hard work and motivation. Something you clearly lack. Tell me do you ever plan to get a job or you gonna mooch off me?”

why would she say those things? she loved Dahyun with all her heart. why would she say things like that?

**_If I knew, it would be the last time_ **

Eventually the argument fizzled out, both deciding a petty argument like this that’s been happening for far too much shouldn’t affect a long term relationship like theirs. After all, they were going strong for five years. The engagement ring collecting dust in the closet should be evidence of that.

Nayeon had woken up during the night to hear muffled cries next to her. She turned around to find Dahyun’s face buried into her pillow and heartbreaking sobs erupting from her mouth. Nayeon tried asking her what was wrong but she was only pushed away every time she tried reaching out. She got so annoyed that she moved to the living room couch to fall asleep on.

It’s such a shame she heard the cries only get louder when she laid her head on the couch.

At least she was woken up later to feel Dahyun’s arms wrapping around her even though the couch barely fit them when they tried laying down together.

“Are you okay baby?” Nayeon had gently asked.

“Shh can we please just enjoy this moment for now?”

Nayeon had sleepily nodded and pressed a gentle kiss to Dahyun’s temple before falling back asleep.

As Nayeon went to go leave for the day, the last thing Dahyun had asked of her was to tell her when she checked into work and when she was coming back home. She left home with one kiss on the lips and one on the cheek.

Nayeon still can’t believe she thought Dahyun had a surprise for her because of the fight they had last night.

how selfish and narcissistic she was.

**_I would’ve broke my heart in two_ **

It was a one of a hell fucking surprise Nayeon found. The house was spotless for one thing. The scent of cleaning products stuck throughout the whole house. Paperwork stacked neatly together by their shared desk. The pillows on the couch were placed strategically. The kitchen counters gleaming and shining. The bathroom looked straight out of a catalogue.

The last place to check was the bedroom. Nayeon figured Dahyun was in there since she would’ve usually told her if she was heading out of the house.

“Hey babe, what did you d-,” Nayeon never got to finish her sentence.

There. Dahyun was there. With a knife embedded into her stomach.

**_Tryin’ to save a part of you_ **

Nayeon didn’t know what to do. What was she supposed to do? Nayeon couldn’t think. Her girlfriend of five years was lying in a pool of her own blood.

Before Nayeon could think anymore, she heard a guttural moan coming from Dahyun.

oh god she’s still alive.

The knife was still stuck in her stomach so in a panic she rushed over to her girlfriend but had tripped over something and accidentally further buried the knife with her knee.

The scream Dahyun had let out was a noise she had never made before. Pure primal and hurt. Her girlfriend of five years is dying. Someone she planned to marry. Spend the rest of her life with. Dying right in front of her.

Nayeon had reached out to look at Dahyun. She saw the tears glistening in her eyes. The pain in them. 

Dahyun tried reaching out to her to caress her cheek. To assure her she’ll be okay. Only, she was losing blood faster than she anticipated. She couldn’t do much anymore. That’s why Nayeon took the hand she tried reaching out with and helped place it on her cheek. She looked into Nayeon's eyes to show her everything with a glance. To show her how sorry she is. To show her how much she loves her. That she’ll be okay. That Nayeon will be okay.

Nayeon saw how Dahyun’s eyes started fluttering shut and tried grabbing for her phone only to be stopped with a gargled whimper. Nayeon finally saw the fear in Dahyun’s eyes and knew she couldn’t leave her like this but she needed to call 911. She knew she didn’t have much time left with her since Dahyun started up coughing blood and semi-choking on it.

Ultimately Nayeon had two choices. One was to stick with the love of her life until she succumbed to her wound and let her have a peaceful moment. The other was to call for help who may not arrive in time and leave Dahyun to die alone. Call her selfish but she chose the first choice. She couldn’t leave her like this. She wanted to let Dahyun have a peaceful moment.

“Hi Dahyunie. I love you, you know that? I’ve always loved you ever since I met you. We were both young I know but god Dahyunie I knew you’d be important in my life. I wanted all my firsts with you. I love you so much Dahyun.” Nayeon choked out. “We were gonna grow old. I was gonna marry you, we could’ve been married. I don’t know who’s last name we’d choose but that didn’t matter as long as I had you. I don’t know why I’m saying this now but the whole reason I kept bothering you on getting a job? I wanted to have stability so we could finally start planning on our future. Live the domestic life you know? Have a home instead of a run down apartment. I wanted to have kids with you. Imagine the power couple we could’ve been. You with your eccentric hair colors that I’d love seeing when you came back from a trip to the salon. You would’ve been the good cop and I would’ve been the bad cop. Partners in crime you know? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Dahyun that I failed you like this. Please forgive me.”

She didn’t know what to do so she started humming a tune she always heard Dahyun play on her old keyboard before Nayeon made her sell it. She saw how recognition flashed through Dahyun’s eyes and the love pouring out her exhausted eyes. Dahyun tried humming with her but it only ended in choked garbles and liquidy whimpers.

“Shh it’s okay Dahyunie. I got you. I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I love you.” Nayeon cried while rocking Dahyun’s tensed body.

Eventually, she felt how Dahyun’s breathing stilled and how her body went limp. Nayeon had finally broke when she realized she was holding her dead girlfriend’s body. Nayeon could only cry and scream. She screamed until the neighbors had called the police for a noise complaint only for them to realize how serious the situation was. She still screamed when they tried taking the body away from her. After her throat was raw, she still sobbed until she almost passed out from dehydration. She was eventually taken to the local police situation for questioning.

The police staff told her what she already knew. Dahyun had succumbed from her wound. There wasn’t anything the medical team on scene could’ve done to save her. At least Nayeon didn’t have to be the one to break the news to Dahyun’s family. She didn’t break it but she heard it. The pure anguish she heard from Mrs. Kim. Just sobs of pure agony. She heard Mr. Kim in the background and when he picked up he didn’t say anything at first. She thought he hung up but then she heard the vomiting. The poor man was so shocked at the news. She heard him tell Dahyun’s brother and then there was so much chaos going on. You could hear glass shattering and furniture being thrown around. Mr. Kim kept yelling at Myung-soo to calm the fuck down. There was only yelling until the phone was hung up. 

Nayeon did everything in her power to avoid them. It worked. Up until the funeral. She couldn’t take it. Everyone kept sending her sympathetic looks. Even from her friends. As if she deserved it. She was the cause of Dahyun’s death. Dahyun’s family had looked at her with an expression she won’t ever forget. It was a mixture of disappointment, guilt, anger, and sadness. Nayeon deserved so much more for all she put their relative through. When the memorial service had ended, Nayeon tried returning to her car to go back home but was stopped when she felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Dahyun’s mother. 

“Hello Nayeon it is nice to see you here. I am surprised though. You showed your face here after you killed my baby. How do you feel hm? You killed my daughter. Fuck you Im Nayeon.” She felt a sting on her left cheek. Huh. It appears Mrs. Kim slapped her. Eh, she does deserve it. She let Mrs. Kim hit her until she was left bruised and battered. By the time anyone noticed what was going on, the damage had been done. Mr. Kim and Myung-Soo had pulled away but looked at Nayeon with disgust. Jeongyeon and Jihyo helped her get up while the rest of the girls stood by protectively. Whatever, Nayeon pushed them away before she could stay any longer and limped to her car. Well that was a day. 

**_Don’t wanna feel another touch_ **

It had been a month since Dahyun’s death. Nayeon had practically been non-existent to everyone. Almost everyone.

Jeongyeon, Momo, Sana, Jihyo, Mina, Chaeyoung, and Tzuyu all tried their best but they couldn’t do much. Dahyun had given a key to Chaeyoung before she died. Nayeon guessed it was a way to make sure she was still taken care of. They didn’t push her. Just helped around the apartment. Cooking for her. Cleaning the lot. Helping with the injuries she sustained from the fight with Mrs. Kim. Making sure she was okay. She will always be grateful to them for that.

One night she decided that she would try and get out of the house. Before she could reject this idea, she already began getting ready.

Nayeon had arrived at a club a few blocks away from her apartment. As she got checked at the entrance for ID, she noticed people already staring at her with lust. Unfortunately for them, she only came here for the drinks. Quickly getting into the club and finding the bar, she ordered the first drink on the menu. Forget what will be felt tomorrow she said! As she was onto her third shot, another body sat next to her.

“I’ve never seen you around before. Judging by the fact that you’re drinking Soju like there’s no tomorrow, I’d say you’re drinking to forget something. Am I right?” the black haired stranger said with an arrogant tone. “My name is Irene by the way. Thank you for asking. Let me ask what yours is.”

“Nayeon,” she begrudgingly said, “My name is Nayeon. Now can you leave me alone?”

“Hmmm Nayeon? I like it. So Nayeon….do you have someone to go home to or…?”

That sentence almost made her break.

almost.

“What the fuck did you say?” a moment of silence for a second.

“Oh so something clearly happened. You know… I can help make the pain go away if you want. All you have to do is ask,” Irene said with a flirtatious tone.

**_Don’t wanna start another fire_ **

“Make the pain go away? Can she really do that? Fuck it. I don’t have anything to lose,” Nayeon thought.

The ride to her apartment was fairly short since she was so close. Just passing directions to Irene. The tension between growing with every instruction.

After two more minutes, they’ve arrived.

**_Don’t wanna know another kiss_ **

As they stepped inside, Irene had looked around. Admiring the little apartment.

“This is nice.”

Quite frankly, Nayeon didn’t care about formalities. She brought Irene over for one reason.

After Irene had turned around, Nayeon pushed her against her front door. Nipping at her neck, she quickly rid Irene of her blouse. Nayeon had surprised her by slipping her hand in her underwear. “Shit.”

“Do you like that?” Nayeon had asked.

“Fuck yes!”

“Let me help forget the pain.” Irene growled at that response. Nayeon had once again surprised her by dropping to her knees. She began to unbuckle the belt on her pants and started kissing her clothed cunt. After a couple of more kisses, she brought her underwear to the side.

“Fuck!” At that word, Nayeon had brought a finger to her wet cunt and entered. Irene had moaned loudly at the feeling. Then two. Then three. As Irene reaches her peak faster, Nayeon added a tongue in the mix.

“Fuck I’m gonna cum.” Irene had let out a loud moan. Nayeon gathered her cum on her tongue and brought Irene’s lips to her for her to taste herself on Nayeon’s tongue.

As Irene recovered, they both booked it to the room in the dark. Nayeon blindly trying to grasp the wall to go to her bedroom. When she felt a door, Irene had pushed her onto it. In the act of lips clashing, Nayeon opened the door. Both tumbling to the floor but neither caring enough to fix themselves.

Irene had helped Nayeon out of her dress. She began kissing down her chest area. Taking one nipple into her mouth, Nayeon had moaned loudly. She felt herself being picked up by her hips and thrown onto the bed.

**_No other name falling off my lips_ **

Nayeon waits as Irene admires her body. She knows how breathtaking she must be.

Laying back on her pillows, waiting for her pleasure. Nipples erect, cunt glistening, eyes full of lust.

Nayeon lets out a moan as she sees the way Irene is teasing her.

“Are you going to actually fuck me or are you just gonna admire what I was born with?”

“Baby I could stare at you all night but you know what we both came here for.”

“Then fuck me like you mean it. Take away my pain and fuck me into the night.”

It had started with the neck kisses. The pressure Nayeon had felt so familiar yet so foreign. She couldn’t pinpoint why it seemed so familiar. Nayeon didn’t have much time to think about it as Irene kissed strips of skin down to her cunt. The only problem she had with that was the flash of silver she saw. That didn’t make any sense at all? Irene has black hair? She brought Irene’s face to hers before she could do anything else and her eyes quickly widened.

**_Don’t wanna give my heart away_ **

It was Dahyun. Her Dahyun came back to her like she said she would.

Nayeon didn’t really know what to think. All she knew was that she was back. She had felt so elated to see her again. She started stroking Dahyun’s cheek to feel her again except her cheek was quite thin compared to the usual Chubbiness Dahyun accompanied.

It didn’t matter.

Nayeon pushed Dahyun’s head towards the middle of her thighs. She had begun to leave pecks along Nayeon’s thighs. As she neared her cunt, Dahyun looked at her for confirmation into Nayeon’s eyes but she noticed something peculiar in her eyes. These eyes were cold and calculating, not it’s usual gleam of sleepiness and love.

It didn’t matter. She had Dahyun here with her and that’s all that matters. Dahyun had begun to kitten lick her cunt.

By god, it felt amazing. It’d been two months since they initiated anything sexual. She just felt so content and excited at the sight of Dahyun, she didn’t care about the red flags that were waving erratically.

She reached out to clutch onto Dahyun’s hair. Only, her hair wasn’t soft. It was thin enough to notice the difference.

No you’re with Dahyun right now. She’s right here.

Nayeon didn’t dwell on it much as she felt a finger intruding into her own cunt.

“Fuck Dahyun. Just like that.” Nayeon moaned.

The motions she was feeling down there had momentarily stuttered for a second.

“What did you say? I told you my name is Irene?”

Fuck. Black hair quickly came into her vision. Those same cold eyes looking back at her with confusion.

“I know. I meant to say your name. I was just caught in the moment.”

“Okay…..” Irene had hesitantly said. This time, she saw confusion and judgement in those eyes. Why is she looking at her like that?

A tongue had gone back to work on her. Nayeon couldn’t shake off the guilt of calling Irene by her dead girlfriend's name. There also came the thought that she was cheating on Dahyun.

The thought was quickly taken over by the intense amount of pleasure she was feeling.

“Fuck I think I’m gonna cum.” Nayeon could only whimper out. A flash of Silver hair had crossed her peripherals as she began to reach her peak. As she looked to the side, she saw something that still haunts her to this day.

**_To another stranger_ **

It was Dahyun slumped in the corner. Her Dahyun gagging and coughing up blood. Her Dahyun clutching the knife embedded into her. Struggling breaths turning to labored then, then nothing.

Nayeon, by then, had let out a guttural scream that can only be translated to pure agony and pain. Irene had been so startled she jumped back and looked at Nayeon with pure confusion.

“Hey what the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus Christ breathe. You need to calm down.”

Nayeon couldn’t hear her over the sounds of her own heart beating out of her chest and the sounds Dahyun had made.

This isn’t real. This isn’t fucking real. Dahyun is here. She was just here fucking you. Another flash of silver in the corner.

Dahyun had looked at Nayeon with no emotion on her face. Simply staring. No soul in those eyes. Just a rotting body in the corner with the knife stuck.

Nayeon couldn’t breathe. She felt her hands start shaking. Her vision began disfiguring. Her stomach like an overwhelming sense of dread had made her wanna empty what little she ate that day. There were tears streaming down her face. Fuck, her chest hurts so much. She needs to breathe. She needs to fucking breathe, why can’t she fucking do it?

“You’re fine, calm down, just calm down.” Poor Irene had tried her best to help sate her but the phrase “calm down” only made her more infuriated. Can’t Irene see she’s fucking trying?! Nayeon couldn’t say that out loud as she couldn’t even squeak out a noise. The significant lump in her throat was too big. She resorted to hitting her to get her point across. Pointing and motioning at the door for her to leave.

As Nayeon continued to struggle, Irene tried reaching out to calm Nayeon down but that only made things worse. As she reached out her hand, Nayeon could see Dahyun in her.

Fuck, what the fuck is going on. Nayeon had closed her eyes to regain any sense of reality. She only opened them after feeling a hand on her. Fuck. Why is Dahyun right in front of her? She wasn’t even a rotting corpse this time. She looked so elegant and ethereal as if she was a real angel. Nayeon tried to reach out to her as her breathing got slightly better but Dahyun maneuvered out of her way. She tried again but Dahyun stood up and began walking through the door.

Nayeon had begun to sob and hyperventilate as she witnessed her leaving again. Please. She couldn’t say it but she wanted to so badly so she had tried saying it. She tried whimpering it but that only blocked what little air she was getting. It didn’t matter to her, she had to make sure Dahyun didn’t leave her. Her efforts had been proven futile. Dahyun had slammed the door on her way out. Fuck, there were black spots appearing in her Vision. She didn’t know what was going on but she had tried standing back up to get to her Dahyun. After getting up, black had taken up what she saw. There was a thud heard around the apartment.

**_Or let another day begin_ **

The first thing Nayeon felt when she woke up was a hand helping her up.

What the hell happened?

She heard voices around but they were a bit muffled as she began to recover her senses. The paramedic on scene had asked her for her name to make sure she was aware of her environment. The paramedic told her she had a panic attack but that didn’t make any sense? She’s never had anything like that happen. Eventually the paramedics had left but one person had stayed through the entire event. Irene had stayed the entire time.

“Hope you don’t mind me grabbing a drink from your fridge.” Irene chuckled, leaning on her counter. Nayeon saw what she had in her palm. It was Dahyun’s favorite drink. The last thing she bought from a grocery run with Nayeon. One of her favorite domestic things she used to do with Dahyun.

“I do mind a lot actually.”

“Oh my apologies then.“ Irene awkwardly said. Awkwardness has filled the atmosphere. “So what the fuck happened there?”

“Straight to the point are we?”

“Saves more time I guess.”

A sigh escapes Nayeon before she could think about it. “Do you ever wish you had more time?”

“Always. There hasn’t been a day I don’t wish for more.”

Nayeon’s head tilted at that answer, "Show me your pain, I’ll show mine?” Irene had turned sideways to calculate Nayeon with those cold eyes of hers. “You first.”

**_Won’t even let the sunlight in_ **

“Where to fucking start,” Nayeon chuckled, “I found my girlfriend dying with a knife stabbed into her abdomen, you know the fucking usual. She did it herself. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think. I know I’m being selfish by saying this but why did she have to leave me? I thought the fucking coward loved me you know? Why couldn’t she have talked to me or someone else? Like her best friend Chaeyoung? Literally anyone but she chose to take the easy route.” As the thought kept overwhelming her, visible tears had begun it’s tracks. “She left me alone while I’m forced to pick up the shards she broke so jaggedly. She left me. I was supposed to have a life with her. I wasted so much money on that ring for her, that ring she saw in a display window and you could just see the love pouring out of her eyes. Now, now it’s just collecting dust in a drawer. I just wanted her to be happy. I didn’t mean to argue with her so much. I meant well. I swear I did. It’s all my fucking fault isn’t it? It’s my fault she’s gone from me. I just want her back. I miss her so fucking much. She was one of the only people I had left. I’m sorry you had to deal with that shit. It’s never happened before. I saw her in you. I don’t know how but I did.” As Nayeon finished her ranting, she was full on sobbing again.

Irene clearly didn’t know how to comfort so she tried by offering her a hand to hold. Nayeon actually appreciated the sentiment as she took her hand.

“You never told me what you went through.” chuckled Nayeon as she wiped her tears with her unoccupied hand.

“Well, prepare your tears for my sob story!” Irene exclaimed. “It all started in the summer of 2014.”

“Really? You’re gonna start your story like the start of a 90’s film?” deadpanned Nayeon.

“Okay I’m sorry.” Irene said as she put her hands up in surrender. “Before I was so rudely interrupted, I met Seulgi in the summer of 2014. To be more specific, August 1st, 2014. It was a hot day so my friends Yeri Joy and I went to grab an ice cream cone to beat the summer heat. I was ordering my ice cream from a chick named Wendy, who I later found out to be Seulgi’s best friend. As I turned around, that’s when I met her. She was so breathtaking that day. I was so caught up at looking at her that I didn’t see where I was going. You can imagine where that went, a full flip over a table and my ice cream all over my pants. Those two idiots Yeri and Joy never warned me. They wanted to see it happen.” Irene had explained with a nostalgic look in her eyes and a small smile on her face. “Anyway, Seulgi saw what happened since she was wiping tables clean. She came over to me and tried cleaning me up. The poor thing had begun wiping me down. It was all over my chest and my crotch but she wasn’t paying attention. When she finally was aware of the situation, her hand had ended up on one of my breasts. She was so flustered that she shot straight up, knocking my nose in the process. I had blood rushing down my face at this point and she was starting to tear up. I couldn’t stand to see her like that so I told her ‘Hey, this is a good time to get a nose job!’ but she only started crying more as she said 'You’re so beautiful. I’m so sorry I did this to you.’ She looked so sad and do you know what I said?” Nayeon shook her head. “I told her 'you can take me out on a date to make it better.’ Smooth I know, but hey in my defense, she perked up instantly and she nodded her head so cutely with a slight blush on her cheeks and teary eyes. At that moment, I knew I’d do anything for her. I wanted a future with her in it.”

“We got married you know? I know 2 years is a fast time to get married but we didn’t care. As we grew together more, we loved each other through thick and thin. The harshest arguments couldn’t tear us apart. She _was_ my everything. A fucking brain tumor took her away from me. God, the day we found out is easily one of the worst days of my life. The treatment she had to undergo left her as a ghost. I stuck with her throughout all of it and I would do it all over again if it meant just a bit more time. She survived the first time. She was a trooper in my eyes.”

“The second time though, god I still hate her for it. She wanted a family for the longest.” Nayeon’s eyes softened at that. She always saw herself as a mother. “I was hesitant since the danger period for her tumor to come back wasn’t just yet finished. The way her eyes sparkled with excitement when she mentioned us having a kid, who was I to deny her? We started the treatment. It was surprisingly easy to get pregnant. That part wasn’t difficult, it was the second diagnosis that broke me. Turns out she only had a year left to live since the fucking medical staff didn’t do their job correctly. She fucking chose a child over her life. She wanted to give birth to that child before she went. She turned down treatment instead of letting the fucking kid die. I’d go back in time to fucking convince her that was the worst idea she could’ve came up with. Long fucking story short, the baby died before she could’ve given birth. Seulgi’s body gave all her energy for that kid but couldn’t give the baby the proper growth it needed. When we found out, I didn’t know what to do. I needed time to think for a few days, just a few fucking days. After I came back from clearing my head, she was fucking gone. She died the night before. Her body just couldn’t take it anymore. The last time she saw me, I was so mad at her. I never forgave myself for that. I still don’t. I lost the love of my life and I never even got to say goodbye. I don’t even know who to be mad at. The medical staff for trying their best but failing, the innocent kid who wasn’t aware of what they were doing to my wife, Seulgi for being selfish enough to lose her life, or myself for never doing the fucking right thing through this entire situation.”

“Hey, at least we’re still alive. Two complete fuck ups who lost the one they love the most in the entire universe.“ Irene chuckled pathetically. "Fuck, what time is it?”

“It’s 02:29. Why?“

“Fuck.” Irene had started collecting her belongings. “Remember the two idiots I mentioned and Seulgi’s best friend? I have to live with them since they’re worried about my well being. I didn’t want to break their hearts if I kept rejecting them. They’re probably worried about me since I usually come home at 9. Listen do you have a paper or a phone?”

Nayeon shook her head “ My phone is in the bedroom. Let me get it.” As Nayeon went towards the bedroom, she hesitated. “Can you please come with me? I’m scared.”

Irene gave her a small smile. “Sure thing. Here.” Irene had offered her arm as a crutch for her to be in reality.

“Thank you. My phone is just right here.” Nayeon looped her arm and opened the door with hesitation. She let out a sigh, there was nobody there. “There it is. Why do you need it?”

“To give you my number obviously. Us fuck ups have to stick together.” said Irene with a wink. Nayeon gave a genuine tight lipped smile at that comment. “Shit I really do have to go but please call me so we can share more sob stories.”

"Let me lead you to the door fellow fuck up. As they got to the door, Irene had turned around abruptly and slapped her hand on Nayeon’s shoulder. "Listen, seriously Nayeon I’m here if you need me. Whether it be a hook-up, a friend or someone you need to vent to, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you Irene, the same thing can be said for you. You can always find me any time. You know you’re not so scary when you’re actually letting out your feelings.”

“I will keep that in mind next time I seem like a bitch. Goodbye fellow fuck up, I shall take my leave.” Irene bowed in such a dramatic way, Nayeon couldn’t help but snort at that.

“Goodbye Irene. I hope we contact each other in the future as I really like you.” As Nayeon waved goodbye and closed the door, her smile dropped. A sigh had escaped her as she thought back to the previous events of the night. A tear had run its course when she recalled seeing Dahyun like that.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?”

**_No, I’ll never love again_ **

She deserves it. After all, she killed Dahyun. She gave her the last reason to finally end her life. She’s a fucking murderer. No matter what time of day, no matter where she was, Dahyun was always on Nayeon’s mind and there was no stopping it. Her first love was now her last and it was all her fault.

**_I’ll never love again_ **

She’s the reason Dahyun fucking gone isn’t she? Maybe, just maybe she can see her again. She could apologize and come back to her. She could hold her again and tell her how much she loves her. She can be reunited once again with her lover in paradise.

No, she wouldn’t go down that route. Right?


	2. Part 2.

#  **_I’ll Never Love Again (PT.2)_ **

**_When we first met_ **

On the night of October 20th, 2015 at 22:28, a 21 year old woman was perched on a ledge right above Han River. The river had looked so beautiful that night, it was practically calling her to be one with it. The alluring waters matched the delicate tears that were running down Im Nayeon’s cheeks. The sounds of a busy city starting to get sleepy getting duller as she’s trying to contain her cries. The stars and moon in the sky illuminating everything in a moment that was supposed to be private.

What was Im Nayeon doing at 22:28 at Mapo Bridge right above Han River? She was contemplating on jumping. She didn’t know why she was thinking about it. She had enough reasons to live. She had her parents right? No. They died in a car crash because she wouldn’t stop throwing a tantrum, the end result being that Nayeon’s knee was weaker. Her adoptive parents? Well... they abandoned her when they found out they could have children of their own instead of someone else’s leftovers. It didn’t make sense to her at the time since they always treated her as a princess. She was only 11 after all. She thought they loved her the same way she loved them. Her friends always supported her. Even though they dropped Nayeon in favor of ranking up the social ladder in their university since Nayeon was seen as nothing but a loser. It’s not like her mental state didn’t pose any dangers other than the normal bad thought. Her bad thoughts usually consisted of things such as, “Everyone leaves you. Your birth parents, your adoptive parents, your friends. It’s all your fault and you deserve all of this. You’re nothing more than a joke at this point. Just end it already. No one will clearly miss you.” But she usually powered through them because they’re simply thoughts. Nothing but thoughts.

No, she had many reasons to keep living…right? Maybe, but none had come to mind.

Well fuck it. With that thought, Nayeon decided what she wanted. At this point she didn’t care about being another statistic. She’s just tired. She wanted to rest for good. Nayeon looked down again to capture the river’s waters. It was funny. Despite what others may think, the water was never the same. Like a person, the water goes through many changes. Whether it be new water from other territories or any foreign object or liquid, the water is never the same. It’s a bit comforting to Nayeon when she thought about that. At least the water can understand better than others might. At least her last thought can be about how the water can help welcome her. Nayeon began nudging herself further to the edge, her feet already dangling. Nayeon took one final breath and looked up at the sky. Of course there’s no stars in the sky. She doesn’t deserve that. Here we go.

**_I never thought that I would fall_ **

“Hey. What are you doing?”

“Jesus Fucking Christ, what the fuck are you doing here?! This is supposed to be a private moment?!” Nayeon shouted.

“Well, you’re here about to jump off a public bridge. It isn’t exactly private since you’re out in the open. I’m Dahyun. I just came back from a school concert, then I see you here. Not exactly private here huh? What’s your name anyway?”

“I suppose I have to give my name to make it easier for the cops to identify my body, though no one would care enough to mourn over me. My name is Im Nayeon.”

“Nice to meet you Nayeon. What brings you to Mapo Bridge?”

“Hm? Isn’t it obvious? I’m trying to jump here. You’re clearly intruding here. Can you please leave?”

“Is there another option?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You know, is there another option that I can stay? Perhaps persuade you to come down with me?”

Nayeon looked flabbergasted at that. “Seriously? You’re really asking as if I’m not clearly one push away from jumping?”

“Well it’s called manners. Something you clearly don’t have. You are clearly lacking in that department huh?”

Wow who the fuck did this girl think she was? Waltzing into what is supposed to be a private moment for Nayeon. To insult her like she was a casual friend, as if she wasn’t some stranger. This chick is seriously pissing Nayeon off up to the point where she is so close to getting off this bridge and punching the ever living shit out of her.

“Bold words for someone who’s talking to a person who’s going to jump off this bridge. Seriously, aren’t you supposed to talk me down?”

“I suppose I could. Only, why would I try to talk down an ugly person?”

Nayeon had let out a loud gasp at that comment and closed her mouth open and shut just like a fish.

“Oh wait, sorry I don’t have my glasses. Let me get them real quick.” Dahyun quickly reached around her back to open her backpack and retrieve her glasses and put them on. “Woah, I’m sorry about that comment. You’re actually gorgeous. Jesus. Forgive me.”

“Wow. Insulting me and then calling me beautiful. What a quality person you truly are.”

“I know right? Can’t say the same for you though. I mean jumping off a bridge, how selfish can you get? Clearly you haven’t jumped. You could’ve done it a while ago between this convo we’ve been having. Why haven’t you? You’re scared of jumping huh? I suppose I would be too.”

Nayeon shrugged at that. “What would I be so scared about? I’m here aren’t I? I simply don’t want to be rude to you and jump mid convo and get you all traumatized, you know?”

“Well I suppose you won’t traumatize me. You don’t exactly have the guts to jump. It’s not like you have much time anyway.”

**_I never thought that I'd find myself lying in your arms_ **

“What are you talking about..?” Nayeon saw the blue and red lights and the cop cars heading straight for her. Fuck. 

“I’m sorry about all the mean things I said. It was only a way to distract you until law enforcement came.” Dahyun squeaked out.

She needs to go before they reach her. Dahyun must’ve noticed her thoughts because she quickly reached out and grabbed Nayeon’s waist to pull her off the ledge.

“Fuck. Let me go you fucking bitch. Let. Me. Go. I need to jump off.” Nayeon began breaking down as she kept being held down. “Please. Please I need you to let me go. I need to jump off. I can’t do this anymore! I can’t fucking do this anymore! Fuck you!”

Dahyun didn’t say anything, simply just let Nayeon yell at her until the policeman came to take Nayeon into an ambulance to the hospital. Even then, Dahyun didn’t want to abandon Nayeon at her lowest point even if they didn’t know each other. Dahyun accompanied Nayeon to the hospital and didn’t leave her until Nayeon was settled into a room in the hospital. That night, Nayeon was way too tired from the previous events to thank Dahyun for saving her at her lowest point.

As the months went by, Nayeon slowly got better by going to therapy. Every weekend, Dahyun would come visit her and tell her all sorts of stories and bring gifts to cheer her up. Dahyun really was the only one to visit her in the hospital she had to reside in for a while. Her adoptive family gave up on her, she hadn't heard from her friends weeks before the incident, her parents are dead so that’s out of the question. Dahyun really was the puzzle piece that helped lessen the pain a tiny bit. Dahyun showed what a friend is actually like. Despite what others may think, Nayeon truly was grateful for all the things Dahyun did for her. She just wasn’t able to show it well enough.

After 10 months of going through therapy at a resident hospital, Nayeon was able to be discharged under the rules that she attend therapy outside of the hospital and be evaluated weekly. 

Nayeon was ecstatic to hear that she’d finally be leaving the hospital. There was one thing that she had been dying to do for the seventh mark of being there. She had invited Dahyun to the Han River park to hang out with her since she never got the chance to before meeting her in such an unfortunate event. She wanted to give Dahyun a nice time since knowing her instead of grey walls and dreary windows. This was her chance. She’ll take it any day. The day started off with walking around the park with ice cream popsicles they collected from a nearby market. After both of them had walked around for a while, Nayeon decided to sit down on a grassy area and took a deep breath.

“Are you okay Nayeon-ie?” Dahyun innocently asked. “You’ve been stiff since I met with you today. Do you feel sick? Should we head to a market and get something to eat? Should I take you back home?”

Nayeon let out a giggle at that. “I’m okay Dahyun. I simply wanted to enjoy my time with you since I haven’t gotten the chance to hang out with you outside of the hospital walls. How has the day been so far?”

“It’s so great! You’re amazing Nayeon. It may be a simple park but to know that I’ve gotten to know you better today has really warmed me up. You’re way cooler than you might think and I’m so honoured that you trust me enough to open up to me.”

“I do trust you Dahyun. So much. So much that I’m putting my heart out in the open.”

“Your heart? Nayeon what do you mean?”

“Kim Dahyun, I’m asking you to accept my heart. I promise I’m speaking from my heart, not my brain. This isn’t because you saved me Dahyun. This is because of the person you’ve become to me. I want you to give me the chance to prove that I can be the perfect match for you. That no matter what, I will stick with you. I want to call you my girlfriend and for you to call me yours. I may have known you for 10 months but during the seventh month I realized how much of a great person you are Dahyun. You’re such a fantastic person and I may be selfish for saying this but I want you all to myself to cherish and love. I will accept whatever form you wish for me to be in, a lover or a friend or anything in between. I hope you take this confession as seriously as I do.”

“Aw Nayeon I love you too. I’m glad we’re such great best friends.”

Nayeon felt her heart dropping to her stomach and tears instantly springing to her eyes. Did she really just get friendzoned? She put her heart out in the open and Dahyun really interpreted it as friendly love? Nayeon could laugh at it but this was too heartbreaking for her. She dropped her head in defeat and began to walk away.

“Nayeon hey, what’s wrong? Did I say something I wasn’t supposed to say?” Dahyun softly asked.

“It’s really nothing Dahyun. Forget I said anything. It was just me rambling about nothing at all.”

“Nayeon it really isn’t nothing if it’s bothering you this much. Please tell me Nayeon. Whether it’s action or verbal, please I’d like to know since I clearly didn’t get it the way you wanted me to.”

“Dahyun. Seriously, I’m okay. How about we continue strolling for a bit and I can take you back home?

“Are you sure Nayeon-ie? _Please_. I need to make sure you’re okay.”

Make sure she’s okay? It came upon Nayeon that Dahyun was more affected in this situation than she let on. Dahyun wanted her to be okay.

Nayeon took Dahyun’s hands into her own and started caressing the palm of Dahyun’s hand with her thumb. “Dahyun I promise you okay? I’m more than okay. I am great actually. I’ve been going to therapy. I have a new perception of life. Do you know what the best part is? I have you. One of the greatest friends I’ve ever had.” Nayeon will not admit that the last part hurt a bit too much for her liking.

Nayeon felt a peck on her cheek. She darted her eyes to her side and saw a flash of colorful hair.

“I’m sorry. You’re just amazing. Let’s go walk back to our places!” 

Nayeon stood still for a second as she brought her hand to her cheek. Did Dahyun really just kiss her there?

“Cmon Nayeon-ie, we don’t have much daylight left.” A sudden hand jerk had forced her to quickly gain balance as she was jerked forward by Dahyun holding her hand. Oh god, the blush is starting to really set in now.

This girl really is going to kill her.

**_And I want to pretend that it's not true_ **

A shrill ring had pierced the quiet night. Nayeon groggily opened her eyes at the sound.

“Hello?” Nayeon stuttered through.

“Nayeon listen, I really need you to meet me at the park we went to two days ago.”

“Wha-? Dahyun it is 21:29 right now. Are you really asking me to meet you at the park? It’s a forty minute trip there.”

“Please Nayeon. It’s important. I know what I have to do now.” The dial tone suddenly appeared as quickly as the call ended.

Fuck Dahyun. You’re really pushing it these days. Too bad I care about you too much to ignore this.

Luckily for Nayeon, the commute there was easy and faster. Quite easy compared to the anxious feeling she felt at the bottom of her stomach. What if Dahyun didn’t want to be her friend anymore? What if Nayeon severely went over the limits with their friendship? Oh god, what if Dahyun is going through what she went through? She couldn’t bear the idea of that. As her head was down low, she kept thinking worse and worse about the situation that’s coming pretty soon, she subconsciously started walking faster to her destination. She thought of every scenario that could have possibly happened. All situations except for one.

The god damn pole in the middle of the street.

Why didn’t she see it? It was right there and yet she still managed to hit herself right in the head. Why is the universe out to get her so goddamn much? She’s done to warrant this. As if the night could get any worse, she thought. 

“Nayeon!” Nope. It could get worse. Dahyun quickly reached her on the ground. “Oh god Nayeon are you okay? Does it hurt? Move your hand so I can see it please. I need to see the damage.”

Dahyun held Nayeon’s hand to assess the damage. Nayeon could barely focus on the pain as she felt her hand being squeezed. This felt so nice. Why was she so deprived of this? She did deserve this. 

Dahyun accidentally made a grimace, “Is it bad?”

“No, not at all…but maybe we should head to a market to get some ice….”

Nayeon grumbled but got up with the help of Dahyun. Both headed to the market and bought a pack of frozen peas to help soothe the pain on Nayeon’s forehead. After getting ice cream again just for the sake of having it, they both sat down on a bench facing the river. Dahyun applied the peas to Nayeon’s forehead and both stared at the river for a bit.

“So what did you want to talk to me about?” Nayeon had asked. “It must’ve been urgent if you dragged me here at 21:29. What is it?”

“I figured it out. I know what you mean Nayeon. It took me two days but I figured it out.”

Nayeon went pale. Fuck. She fucking knew. What the fuck was she going to do?

“Nayeon. I want to tell you something. When I first saw you on the bridge, I knew I had to save you. Most people would’ve given up on you but I couldn’t do that to you. I didn’t know what to do honestly. I called the police you know? I called them but I kept looking at you. I'm sorry for insulting you there but it was the only thing I could think of. I know I may have seemed cool and collected there but god Nayeon, my heart was at the bottom of my stomach. I’m 18, I had no training whatsoever for this type of thing. I almost pissed myself from fear when I saw you move up. I can easily say that as one of the most influential days of my life.” Dahyun grabbed Nayeon’s hand with her free hand. “I wanted to let you know this Nayeon. I need you to know that I care about you so much Nayeon. I don’t have much to offer. I’d like to be with you Nayeonie. There’s so many things that can go wrong with us but I’m more than willing to try with you. I like you, Im Nayeon. I like you so much but we have to be cautious with each other. Can we promise each other that we’ll always be there for each other? That no matter what, we’re always going to talk things through? To be each other's shoulder to cry on? I’m willing to take on any form of relationship you want, Nayeon. I like you. A lot. It was the fifth month for me you know? My heart always hurt every time I saw you in that hospital just staring out the window. You always looked so lost and sad. I didn’t know why it hurt until you and I took a walk through the garden they have at the hospital. We were both so content and I couldn’t help but slip my hand into yours. That’s when I knew Nayeon-ie. My heart felt full for the first time in a while. You made me feel okay for once. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you. I’m also so sorry that it took me two whole days to decipher what you said to me.”

“Dahyun, do you trust me in this moment right now?

“Always, Nayeon. Always.”

Nayeon gently grabbed Dahyun’s hand from her face. God knows Nayeon wouldn’t want a frozen bag of peas ruining this moment. With the bag of peas out the way, Nayeon brought a hand to Dahyun’s chin to bring her head closer to Nayeon’s. At that point, Dahyun knew what was going and was also anticipating it. Eyes darting back and forth to Nayeon’s eyes then to her lips. She didn’t know what to do with her hands so she put her hands on Nayeon’s cheeks. Nayeon let out a slight chuckle at that. God, she’s so adorable. When their lips did connect, Nayeon was able to calm down slightly when she felt the slight tremble of Dahyun’s lips which proved to her that she was just as nervous as her. 

After a few more pecks, they pulled away. Both just staring at each other with nothing but affection in their eyes. The trees swaying to the hairs on their heads. The melody of cars going home in sync with the beat of their hearts. Hands holding each other with a newfound love.

“I like you Dahyun.” A peck.

I like you a lot Nayeon.” Another exchange.

“Shit what time is it? I snuck out.”

Dahyun looked at the time on her phone and paled. “Oh my god it’s 22:28. We need to go home quickly.”

“Let me take you home Dahyun. It’s the least I can do for now.”

“Nayeon. I dragged you here. I should be the one to take you home.”

“Nope not happening.” Nayeon looped her arm around Dahyun’s. “I’m older than you by 3 years. I’m taking you home no matter what.” Dahyun sighed knowing she’s going to lose no matter what.

When they did arrive at Dahyun’s house, they both exchanged a few more pecks with each other. Nayeon’s arms wrapped around Dahyun’s waist and Dahyun’s arms wrapped around Nayeon’s neck. “Hm I don’t want you to leave Nayeon. This is really nice to be here with you. Just holding each other like this.” A peck was stolen from Nayeon. “Good night Nayeon-ie. Sleep tight.”

As soon as Nayeon reached her bedroom after level 100 stealth back into her house and climbed into her bed, she fell asleep with one thought. “I really like her. This relationship might be the death of us in the future, but to hell if it won’t be worth it in the end.”

**_Oh baby, that you're gone_ **

It’s been three months since the incident. The incident that would forever change Nayeon’s life. Her sleep had been invaded with nothing but nightmares of the day it happened. The noises Dahyun made as she struggled with her breath constantly playing in her ears. At some point, Nayeon gave up on sleeping in the bedroom and slept on the couch. The same couch that was Dahyun’s last place of sleep. Everything in their apartment, her apartment now, constantly reminds her of Dahyun. The Kitchen where they helped cook meals for each other after hard days of their lives. The bedroom where the most intimate things would happen. Whether it’d be moaning each other's names long into the dead night or sleeping in each other's arms, acting as a sanctuary for both of their fragile hearts. The bathroom where during the toughest days, Dahyun would run a warm bath for Nayeon and hold her in the water. The living room where they would be each other’s cushions as they watched anything that was on the TV and be themselves with each other. 5 years of getting to know each other, 2 years of living with each other, gone. All gone.

**_'Cause my world keeps turning, and turning, and turning_ **

Nayeon didn’t know why she was doing this honestly. Irene practically forced her to come here. So god damn adamant and pushy for no reason. It was just a group therapy session for lost loved ones that she had no business in. Nayeon can cope her own way. It’s been three months after all. The funeral was done. Her friends stopped bi-weekly checkups. Dahyun’s mother still harasses her but that’s about it. No business whatsoever right? At least Nayeon thinks so. When she’s done with this, she’s going to strangle the hell out of Irene for doing this to her. Maybe she might do it right now. Nayeon could easily just reach towards the steering wheel Irene is holding and swerve this car off this freeway. Too bad Nayeon adores Irene too much to do it.

When they did arrive at the facility and sat down, Nayeon noticed there was quite a large group at this gathering. Both men and women alike.

“Irene, it’s so cool to see you again. It’s been a couple of weeks since you came over here.” A quite handsome man came over. “Who’s your friend? Nice to meet you. My name is Kim Seokjin. Some call me Worldwide Handsome but you can call me Jin for short though. I haven’t caught your name yet?”

“Worldwide Handsome? More like a worldwide idiot.” Irene joked.

“Um...My name is Im Nayeon.” she hesitated. “Thank you for welcoming me so kindly.”

“Please, come join us.” Jin brought his arm in a large sweep to show the sitting area. “The session is gonna start soon. There’s a couple of empty seats that you can fill.”

After Nayeon and Irene sat down, the supervisor in charge had asked everyone to introduce themselves for the newcomer. Nayeon felt embarrassed that she was being given this much attention even though she didn’t want to be there in the first place. Everyone had gone and introduced themselves. There was Irene and Jin but there were also some named Jennie and Yves. After all introductions were made, in order to feel more welcomed, there was an open circle in which anyone can talk about their incidents. Those mentioned speaked upon what they went through. First it was Jin.

“Hello everyone my name is Jin. I won’t go into details so as to not waste anyone’s time but my husband Namjoon had died due to a chemical accident at his work at the age of 23. The fool walked into a restricted area because he needed something from there. His coworkers were working on a dangerous chemical. It was Sarin. One whiff of that and he was foaming at the mouth within seconds. He fell into a coma soon enough. I was out of town when that happened and he died within a couple of hours. I never got to say goodbye to him. He had a brilliant mind and everything. Top of his class and became a scientist so young. He was smart but he was always so damn reckless. I got through it with therapy though. No social isolation whatsoever and I didn’t have to suppress my emotions either. It took a while but I’m still here going as strong as I can.” A tear slid down Jin’s cheek, then more came on as she struggled to voice out. “On the bright side, I don’t have to hear him constantly rapping and saying he’s some rap monster that will wow everyone!” Jin accidentally let out a sob towards the end. 

“I miss him so much. He was everything to me. I lost my parents because of him. I did everything for him. He did everything for me but the one thing he couldn’t do. He couldn’t stay alive for me. The fucking idiot just had to go and inhale a chemical so dangerous it put him in a coma.” 

Jin realized his mask had slipped and quickly tried putting it back on. “I’m sorry everyone. I’m just going to go outside for a bit to clear my head. I’ll be back soon.” 

Then it was Jennie.

“Hello my name is Jennie. I’m going to follow the same format as Jin if that’s alright. My Fiancee Jisoo died in a fire that ruined my entire life. I lost my house. I lost my possessions. Most importantly I lost the love of my life in that stupid fire. She was so god damn heroic trying to save me. By the time she reached me in the fire, there were so many obstacles in her way but she still used all of her strength to get me out. She used everything in her body to get me out of the fire. I’m here so obviously she got me out. She put me on the pavement near our house and tried running back inside. I stopped her because I didn’t want her going anywhere in the fire again but she told me she needed something important. She was so adamant on going that she had no choice but to hurt me. Her last words to me were ‘I’ll be right back. I promise.’ She didn’t give me a kiss or anything. Just ran into the fire and never came back. I sat on the cold pavement for hours. The firefighters said I went into shock. I think it was the knowledge that my wife was dead. I waited for 10 minutes. Then 20. When 30 rolled around, I knew it. I knew she was gone. I went into shock because I lost everything. There were tears running down my eyes but I couldn’t feel anything. Everything I ever felt left with her. When I saw her charred body, that’s when I lost it. She died from carbon monoxide poisoning before the fire reached her. My Fiancee reduced to nothing but a soulless burnt body. I screamed until my throat was raw. Everything was a blur after that. It’s been 11 months since then. I still haven’t recovered but I’m here trying to fit my life back together. I know Jisoo wouldn’t want me to be like this. It still hurts but I’m trying my hardest.”

“I’m sorry for asking miss but what was the important item that she had to get?” Nayeon asked.

Jennie held up her hand. On her ring finger lay a silver band. “Our engagement ring. She knew how important it was to me. A firefighter came up to me and gave this to me. He said that this was found in her hand. She died clutching this ring with all of her might and protected it till death. I love her so much for that. I’ll always love her forever.”

Then it was Yves.

“Good evening. My name is Sooyoung. I’m here because of my long time girlfriend Jiwoo. She killed herself at the age of 20.”

Nayeon’s head perked up when she heard that.

“I knew her since we were kids. We met at the ages of 7 and 5. The amount of childish fights we had when we were little could never dent the pure love I had for her. It was amazing how much we stood by each other for everything. When we were both in highschool, I realized the love I had for Jiwoo was much more than just friendship. We were 17 and 15 when I confessed to her. Unlike the perfect storybook endings you might hear, she turned out to be a whole different person. A complete monster. A monster compared to the cute and bubbly person she is. She was disgusted with me. She slapped me. Called me every slur in the book. Spit on me. She left me in the school library with my heart shattered. We didn’t talk for two months after that. I assumed she was too disgusted with me to talk to me. Eventually she cornered me in the library again, in our own little spot we always hung out in. She told me she was so sorry. That she liked me. She was so scared of what might go on that she didn’t know what to do. She was on her knees sobbing her eyes out. Blubbering explanations and apologies. Everyone was looking at us then but I kept staring at her. Everything was so overwhelming to me. I left her like she did me. It took another month before we talked after that. After we resolved everything, it wasn’t like before but it was our relationship. There were moments where she would lapse in her judgement and cry at night asking why did god make her this way. Why would He do this if it’s against the bible. I always comforted her during those times but that was the only red flag. I didn’t think it lead to her suicide. I found her in the bathtub. She was passed out in the bathtub, head deep into the water. She took a handful of sleeping pills and filled the tub up and laid there. She knew what she was doing. Cause of death was suffocation.”

“Stop it.” Nayeon weakly muttered. “Please stop.” The voices in her head were coming back. Screaming at her that she killed Dahyun. Voices that sounded like those she knew. All of Dahyun’s friends. Chaeyoung yelling at her, wondering why she killed her best friend. Dahyun’s mother begging her to bring back her child. Even the voice of Dahyun filtered through, asking why she let her die. If she loved her so much, why did she let her get this way?

“I suppose it was the shame that killed her in the long run. She barely graduated high school before she died. The sudden departure of my best friend took a toll on me. I didn’t know what to feel actually. On one hand, she wasn’t the person I fell in love and grew up with. She turned into this monster I couldn’t recognize anymore. On the other hand, I knew she was just scared of what’ll happen to her. I know she loved me in her own way. I knew that old part of her was in there. I was being tugged into two different directions. I didn’t get a chance to save her though. I went to her house and tried going up to her room. When she wasn’t there, I checked the bathroom. Her body was just lying there. So empty. So devoid of any soul that inhabited it.”

At Sooyoung’s words, Nayeon kept getting flashbacks to the day she found Dahyun. Still clinging onto what little life she had left. The noises she struggled to make. The little movement she tried to make. It was too much for Nayeon.

“Stop it!” Nayeon screamed, “Shut the fuck up! Jesus fucking Christ. Just shut up please.”

Nayeon felt a hand on her shoulder and a soft voicing break through the fog in her head. “It’s okay Nayeon. Just breathe. Breathe with me. In and out okay? Count to ten.” Irene.

“Leave me alone.” Nayeon shrugged off the hand on her shoulder.

“I can’t leave you alone Nayeon. I’m sorry I have to do this.” Irene put Nayeon into a cradle and began petting her hair in an attempt to calm her down. Nayeon tried wrestling her to get out of the cradle but failed to do so. “It’s going to be okay Nayeon. Just focus on my hand okay? The pressure is going to help ground you. Focus on me.” Eventually, the hand stroking her hair did significantly help calm down. 

Nayeon looked around at the people around her and knew that she majorly fucked up. Nayeon quickly got up as she knocked back into Irene by accident. “I’m sorry.” She instantly bolted towards the door and ran down the stairs. She was quickly followed by Irene.

After arriving at Irene’s car, Nayeon tried to open the door but failed. She hit the car in frustration. She wouldn’t stop hitting it until Irene’s hand gripped her wrist. “I’m sorry Irene. I can’t do this. I need to go home. I really need to go.”

“Okay let me go inform the others that we’re leaving.”

“No, please I need to leave now. Please Irene. I wanna go home.”

“Okay, let me help you get into the car.”

After driving away from the location, Nayeon finally relaxed. The soft music calming to her as she stared out the window. The thoughts still swarming her but at a dull volume like usual.

**_And I'm not movin' on_ **

In the few months that Dahyun passed, Nayeon couldn’t cope the right way. She stopped going to work past her bereavement leave. She was given three weeks off but hadn’t shown up in three months. By the fourth week, she lost her job that she had for two years. Simply gone because she couldn’t be bothered to get up from bed. She stopped paying her car payments. It was repossessed two weeks ago. Once again, she simply looked out the window from the couch as she saw it being towed away to some unknown location. The worst part? She lost her apartment two days ago. Since she lost her job, she couldn’t keep up with the rent from the apartment. The notices of eviction laying dormant from the mail slot at the front door. Staring at her. Mocking her. Laughing at her for being a shell of her former self. It was quite abrupt when she got kicked out. Barely got a chance to pack her essentials. She didn’t get the chance to collect the belongings of Dahyun. She didn’t even have a car to even sleep for the night. She stared at the apartment building for a while in the cold as she recounted all the moments she had with Dahyun here. The money used to deposit the first months of rent. The first day of moving. The first night together. All physical remnants of memories being erased as her life won’t stop falling apart.

She spent the first four nights at Irene’s. The first night, she called Irene explaining the situation. Irene instantly came to her aid and showed up and helped pack whatever Nayeon had in her car. At least Nayeon got to meet the other three girls that Irene lived with on the first night. Nayeon was able to sleep on the floor in Irene’s bedroom due to Irene’s disappointment.

“Honestly Nayeon, we’re both women. It’s not like we both have the hots for each other. Just sleep with me. Wait. Not in that way. Fall asleep with me on the bed. There. That’s easier.”

On the third day, Nayeon knew she had to leave soon. She couldn’t take advantage of Irene and her friend's kindness. She had to find somewhere to stay. There were already four girls living in this place anyway. Way too overcrowded for a three bedroom apartment. 

That’s how she came to be in this situation. Bringing a couple of boxes into Mina’s apartment. Nayeon supposed it could be worse. Moving in with Mina should be a blessing. She lives alone in a two bedroom house. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city. This isn’t bad at all.

The way she came to move into Mina’s house was odd. Mina went to go visit Nayeon since nobody else came to check up on her for a while now. She went to use the spare key that she got from one of the girls. Only problem was that nobody was home. Nothing was home. The apartment was cleared of furniture. Any evidence of anyone living there was wiped away. Thank god Nayeon still had her phone with her. Mina called her asking what happened. Nayeon explained the entire situation and Mina instantly offered her place. Nayeon tried refusing but Mina was really adamant on it.

“Please Nayeon. I can’t lie. It’s quite lonely at my place. It’d be a win win for both of us. You have a place to stay at until you get back on your feet, which you can take your time on. I have someone to keep me company. Ray is nice and all but he doesn’t talk. Please Nayeon? It’ll be worth it. I promise.”

Curse Mina for being so god damn nice and charitable.

That’s where she is right now. On Mina’s couch watching a movie with her as they eat the popcorn Mina made. This is nice, she thought.

“Thank you so much Mina. I promise I’ll repay you back whenever I can.”

Mina simply turned her head around and put her hand on Nayeon’s hand and squeezed gently. “It’s okay Nayeon. I’m glad you’re here.” Nayeon felt a popcorn kernel hit her. “Now hush the good part is coming.”

**_Don't want to feel another touch_ **

This whole ice cream thing was Mina’s idea, Nayeon would like to say. She didn’t know why she was even doing this. Going to a stupid ice cream parlor wasn’t part of the plan of moving in. Nor was it accompanying Mina to places she wanted to go. Curse Nayeon for having a soft spot for Mina.

Here she was facing an ice parlor sticking onto the sidewalk because she didn’t want to go in. The place was for kids! Im Nayeon is not a god damn kid. She is a full grown adult with adult responsibilities like...like taxes! 

**_Don't wanna start another fire_ **

“Did you really have to drag me here?” Nayeon whined.

“Aw c'mon Nayeon. Stop being so whiny. It’s a nice day and I wanted to take my friend slash roommate out. Can’t a girl do that? It’s not a crime!” Mina pouted.

“Don’t bring out the pout on me Mina!” Mina emphasized the pout even more. “Fine but! I demand you pay for the ice cream I will eat in exchange for accompanying you!”

“I already was, you drama queen. Honestly Nayeon, I don’t know how you still haven’t gotten kicked out yet,” Mina said with a chuckle and a light tone, “I mean seriously, keep it up and I’ll get you on your knees begging for me to take you back in.”

“Oh please you love me too much. I’m amazing. No one can kick out the one, the only, Im Nayeon. You’ll be the one begging on your knees when I finally move out, begging to take me back.” Mina only hummed at that.

Mina grabbed her hand and forcefully pulled Nayeon, “Ow Okay! Don’t pull me! I’m not a baby! I can walk on my own.” Mina rolled her eyes.

**_Don't wanna know another kiss_ **

Both of them walked into the store. Nayeon tried to keep her head down but Mina lightly smacked her head with her clutch. “Don’t be rude! Get a damn ice cream flavor before I smack you even harder.”

“Fine! I’ll have strawberry please.”

“I’ll have cheesecake. Thank you!”

After they got their ice cream, they both decided to sit down at a table because Mina’s claim once again was that, “It’s a nice day Nayeon. We need to get out more. We’re not going to shrivel up and die just because we get a healthy amount of vitamin D.”

 **_No other name falling off my lips_ **   
  


After they settled into their seats, both started eating their ice cream in their little bubble, safe from the woe of the world, simply content with what they have now.

After they both finished their cones, Mina and Nayeon went back to Mina’s car. Throughout the car ride back home, Nayeon was quite fidgety and nervous. It was obvious to anyone who actually paid attention. She kept playing with her hands and would move consistently on her seat. Her body was really tense.

“Alright talk to me. What’s going on with you?” Mina questioned.

“Me? Nothing is going on with me at all. Can’t a girl move around without anyone questioning her? I swear, you can’t do anything these days.”

“Nayeon.” Mina said with a deadpan face. “You really can’t fool me. We’ve been living with each other for three weeks now. I caught on certain things you do. One of them is that you can be a bad liar. An awful liar. I won’t judge you at all alright? You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong. Just tell me you’re okay.”

Nayeon let out a long sigh. “Mina. I really can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me. The fact that you took me in on the first night offered. Even helping me move in with all of the boxes I had. You’re helping me with job openings. Keeping me company even if it may not seem like I’m appreciating it. I don’t know how to show you my gratitude. I don’t think I ever will be. If there is anything I can do at all to repay you, I beg of you. Let me know. I will do anything. I know I haven’t been the same since her death but I am grateful that you never gave up on me. I am grateful that you still treat me the same as you always have. It feels like there’s constant suffocation from everyone, from my own mind but I thank you for still treating me the same way.” A wet laugh was heard. “I’m sorry for being so emotional to you. I just needed to get that out. For you to know how much you’re gratefully appreciated. I won’t ever forget this. I promise Mina, you’re loved by me.”

The only reaction Nayeon got from Mina was a firm nod. Not a single noise or anything.

Nayeon’s thoughts were entirely jumbled during the car ride home. Fuck, did she say something wrong? Did she overshare? She shouldn’t have said anything at all. It was a bad idea. Fuck, what was she going to do now?

Nayeon’s thoughts were interrupted by a car door opening.

“Are you coming, Nayeon? It’s not ideal to stay in a car for a while you know? I mean, you’re in front of home. C'mon let’s go.”

“You’re not upset with me?” Nayeon stammered through.

“Upset? Why would I be upset?”

“You didn’t give me a response. I can only assume that you were upset with me.”

“Oh Nayeon. I could never be upset with you. I wanted to talk to you about it at home. I wanted you to be a comfortable enough environment for you to talk to me. Not in a stuffy car that you can’t escape from. Come inside, Nayeon. We can talk about this in the house.”

Nayeon agreed and both stepped outside of the car to enter their house. After both settled into the couch, Mina started back up the conversation.

Mina clutched onto Nayeon’s hands to show her that she’s truly in the conversation. “Nayeon. I want you to know that you will always be welcome in my house, no matter what. You don’t have to thank me for doing what a decent human being should be doing for a friend in need. You can always come to me for help okay? No matter what. I’m sorry for everything that caused you to be here with me. Things aren’t the same anymore and never will be but it’ll get better in the long run. I’m so sorry she’s gone. I’m sorry that she went through it. You don’t deserve anything that is happening to you right now Nayeon. You’re always going to be valid no matter what happens.”

By the end of Mina’s little speech, Nayeon was already reduced to quiet sobs into her hand. “Thank you so much Mina. Thank you.”

“It’s okay Nayeon. Let it all out.” That’s exactly what Nayeon did. Three months worth of pain let out on Mina’s shoulder in the comfort of her living room. Three painful months of pure agony and sorrow being let out. Nayeon’s sobs didn’t stop until she was sure she had no more tears to let out. Even then, she was too tired to move from the safety of Mina’s shoulder. She didn’t want Mina to leave her after the eventful day.

“Mina?”

“Hm?” Mina chimed in.

“Do you mind if we stay here? I don’t care what you do. I just want to be with you for a bit more if that’s okay. We can watch a movie or I can watch you play video games.”

Mina smiled. “Of course Nayeon. I never mind when it comes to you. Do you mind if we play a new game of mine? It’s called fall guys and it’s so much fun. I’ll teach you how to play it!”

The small chuckle Nayeon let out was able to help warm up the room that had a chilly atmosphere to it from the previous conversation. That’s how Nayeon’s night ended. With Mina coaching her through the game. The occasional shouts of shock. The loud encouragements being thrown Nayeon’s way. But otherwise a warm night with two friends. One who found safety in another and another who found clarity.

**_Don't wanna give my heart away_ **

This isn’t what it was supposed to be. Nayeon wasn’t supposed to be laying in bed with Mina. Both undressed with nothing at all. 

Nayeon felt the shame encase her as she felt Mina shift in her sleep. How in the hell did it even come to this? One minute she was taking her shoes off as she returned home from a gruesome day, then she heard odd noises coming from Mina’s room. Next thing she knew, here she was. The shame wouldn’t leave no matter how hard she tried. She knew what she did was wrong. She’s not trying to forget it. She’s willing to own up to it. Why won’t it leave? 

Mere seconds seemed to be like minutes to Nayeon. The dread at the bottom of her stomach kept pestering her. Her entire body felt as though she was plunged into ice, the cold seeping into whatever warmth she had left. Her heart ache for the massacre of innocence in her friendship with Mina. Ached for the further detachment to her relationship with Dahyun.

**_To another stranger_ **

Nayeon quickly dressed and fled the bedroom in hopes to get rid of the overwhelming feelings. She couldn’t stop feeling the guilt, dread, anxiety, and depression that felt like parasites to her. 

God, why did she do it? Why did she willingly go into it? She didn’t mean to do this. She promised herself it wouldn’t happen again. She wouldn’t try to sleep with anyone again. The last time was a disaster. Her Dahyun. Oh god, what would Dahyun think? Sleeping with her friend as she was dead? Nayeon was supposed to be mourning her. Not being in the same bed with her long time friend, both stark nude. Dahyun is going to hate her. She already did. Why else would she have died like she did? What would Mina think when she woke up? She would more than likely be kicked out. She’d have to go back to Irene’s place. She couldn’t do that to her. She’d lose all her friends too. Mina would tell them what happened. They’d kick her out within their group. Lose all contact with her. Nothing but disgust towards her. Why is Nayeon such a fuck up? She lost her birth parents because of her own selfish behavior, lost her adoptive family's love, lost her old friends because she couldn’t be like them, essentially killed her girlfriend, the list can go on. She’s nothing but a waste of space to everyone around her. Maybe it’d be best to just leave everything for now. Just run away. Never to be seen again. She’d deserve all the negative consequences that will follow. For now. For now, Nayeon will wait to see the results with Mina. To know how badly she messed up. She won’t do anything bad again. She won’t even bother indulging in her own emotions. She’ll be good. Nothing but good.

**_Or let another day begin_ **

Mina did forgive her, and all the other times after that. What was meant to be a one time thing turned to multiple incidents of being in one anothers bed. A mistake that wouldn’t stop.

Nayeon honestly didn’t know why she was doing this at all. She promised herself it was a one time affair. She can’t even remember how it happened in the first place. Something was deeply wrong with her. Why else would she keep doing this? This fucked up pattern of sleeping with everyone. There isn’t any reason to even do it. She was fine. This isn’t like Nayeon at all. Throughout the years before Dahyun, she never did this.

Who was this Nayeon? She didn’t like this version of herself. She didn’t even know this part of her existed. How could she turn into this...this monster. A monster who uses others as a means to escape the sad life she now lives. A monster who can’t take into account how others may feel about the decisions only she makes? A monster who refuses to see her own feelings? Maybe, the monster inside of her killed the love of her life. Now, it’s laughing as it finally won. It took over her body and set up residence. Laughing as it’s messing up any sense of happiness in her life.

Well, at least today, today she can conquer it for the sake of her friendship with Mina. She cherishes it too much for her to let the monster inside of her tarnish it to shreds, not when there’s still a chance. She will talk to Mina and get to the bottom of it. She just needs to wait when she gets home. They’ll talk then.

**_Won't even let the sunlight in_ **

After a couple of hours of pacing back and forth, sitting and standing up from chairs, and hair pulling, Mina finally arrived home. Thank god too. Nayeon was close to being bald with the amount of hair she was pulling.

“Mina? Do you mind if we talk? It’s really important.”

“Yeah of course. Let me put my things down and then we can talk.”

As Mina put down her stuff and started taking her shoes, the impatience got to her. “Why’d you sleep with me?”

Mina dropped her shoes out of shock. “What?”

Nayeon was also in shock by the sheer bluntness of the words. “I.... I mean... Why did it escalate to us being in each other's beds… naked..?”

“Oh...uh I don’t know Nayeon? We both just escalated it. In retrospect, we shouldn’t have done it but we did.”

“We did it three other times after the first Mina. What’s your excuse for the other times?”

“I don’t know Nayeon. Why are you asking? It seemed like we both enjoyed all of the times we did it.”

“I’m not saying I didn’t like it Mina. I’m asking you why? Why are we still doing this? I shouldn’t be doing this Mina. I have a girlfriend-”

“She’s dead Nayeon.” Mina intercepted her sentence before she thought. After she realized what she said, Mina put her hands up to her mouth in shock. “Nayeon I’m so sorry I wasn’t thinking. I interrupted you.”

“What’s your problem Mina? Trust me. I’m well aware of the fact that she’s fucking dead Mina. I know she’s no longer coming back. I know I lost her forever. If you could’ve let me continue, I would’ve said I have a girlfriend to mourn over. What the hell is your problem though? I mean seriously you let me sleep with you. You let me do the most intimate things. Why? Why Mina? I don’t understand. Do you have some weird infatuation with me? What is it?”

**_No, I'll never love_ **

“I was in love with her too Nayeon!” Mina yelled.

“...What?”

Mina took a deep breath in and exhaled. “I was in love with Dahyun too.”

“So you mean to tell me that you were in love with the person I was dating for five years? The person I planned to propose to? To marry? You willingly brought in a person she dated, despite the fact that this person is also in love with her?”

**_I don't wanna know this feeling_ **

“Nayeon. I’m really sorry it came down to this. I never meant for this to be shared with you. It was supposed to be a secret. I always meant well with this whole move. I always saw you as a great friend. Things went too far and I’m so sorry for that. I meant to stop things before we hit that point of no return. There was a problem with that though. In my own fucked up portion of my brain, there was the nagging thought that you were...you were able to be intimate with Dahyun. I wasn’t. I never got the chance to be with her. I loved her. My own thinking hindered my judgment on seeing the bigger picture. Since you got the chance to be with her, in all aspects, you were the closest connection to her. I wanted to see what made you so much better than me. To also feel what Dahyun had. There was also that nagging thought to take that connection and sever it. I know what I was doing, Nayeon. I knew how fucked up this all was but did I care? No. I’m so sorry for that. Throughout the period of our friendship, both my friendship with Dahyun and mine with you, I couldn’t force you two apart for the sake of me. You two looked so happy and who was I to destroy it?”

“Why’d you let me stay here then, Mina? Answer me that at least. Holy shit. This entire situation is so fucked.” Nayeon ran a hand through her hair.

“I’m not a vile person, Nayeon. I wasn’t going to let you stay on the streets or crash on constant couches with uncertainty on where you’re going next. I wanted to throw my own feelings to the side to make sure you got the help you needed.”

“I’m not some deer who’s barely learning how to walk, Mina. I’m 24. I’m a whole adult who can take care of herself.”

“You’re right. You’re not some fragile person who needs to be taken care of with gentle love and constant reassurance. You know who did though? Dahyun.”

“Huh?” Nayeon looked up at Mina with narrowed eyes.

“You didn’t give Dahyun the help she needed. You didn’t see the things she was going through. Instead you furthered the pain she was feeling. Do you know how much it saddened me to see that light she had when I first met her fade away from dating you for so long. What the hell did you do to her, Nayeon? She stopped smiling the way she used to. All bright eyed. That adorable eye smile of hers, gone. The hilarious antics she would get up to? Gone. I always knew she was calm at times, but to see her lose her rambunctious side so quickly because of you? You’re a monster, Im Nayeon. A monster who deserves to know what she's done. You killed Dahyun. You killed her, Nayeon. It’s all your fault.”

Nayeon gritted her teeth at the words that kept spilling out of Mina’s mouth. “You’re wrong. You’re wrong, Mina. She did that to herself. She knew what she was doing when she brought that knife to herself.”

“Maybe so. Maybe, but what caused her to be at that point hm? She used to text me for advice on you. Since I was one of the wise ones in our friend group, she would ask for reassurance and advice. To make sure she was doing the right things. God how many texts she sent me when you guys would argue astonished me. You brought her there, Nayeon. You always were the monster.”

“I was only helping her. I wanted the best for her. I loved her.” Nayeon muttered.

“No. What you did was suffocate her until she stopped breathing. You cut off whatever air supply she had left. The only thing that was keeping her from completely losing oxygen, you made sure you took that. Stop seeing yourself as the victim. You hurt more people than you realize, Nayeon. You took Dahyun away from her family. You took Dahyun away from her friends, from her best friend. You took Dahyun from all she ever knew. Best part is, in your own selfish ways, you took the only person that loved you.”

“Fuck you, Mina! You’re wrong. You’re wrong. You’re wrong!” Nayeon kept repeating the same phrase like a broken record.

“Fuck me? Nayeon, I’m not the monster here. You are. I want you to look back to meeting Dahyun all the way to her death. Look at what you did to her, you sucked the light out of her because you’re nothing more than a parasite!”

Nayeon couldn’t take it anymore. She had to leave.

Nayeon quickly ran to her room, Mina yelling in the background telling her to come back here. Nayeon wouldn’t listen anymore. She needed to call someone. She brought out her phone and called the only person she could think of.

“Hey Nayeon. You’re never going to believe this.”

“Rene, can you pick me up? Please. It’s an emergency. Please.”

“Are you okay? Where are you?” Nayeon could hear rustling in the background with muffled voices discussing something in the background. “Tell me where. I’m coming soon.”

After Nayeon told her the address of Mina’s house, Irene said that she’ll be there in 15. The couple of minutes before Irene got there was tense. Nayeon was trying to calm down after the awful argument, crying when she recalled the nasty words Mina said to her. She could hear the loud pacing of Mina in the living room. That sound only made her more anxious.

Nayeon didn’t hear the ping of Irene letting her know she was outside. She was too busy stuck in her own mindset. She kept blaming herself, Mina’s words resounding and echoing in her mind. What even happened there? It was supposed to be a normal discussion. She did hear the doorbell ring throughout the house though. A couple of heated words were discussed in the doorway. Then Nayeon heard Irene in the hallway.

“Nayeon?”

“You’re intruding in my house, Miss. I’d suggest leaving while you still can before I’m forced to call the authorities.”

“Not until I find Nayeon.” Irene said.

Nayeon got up from her bed and opened the door to her room. “Irene?”

“Oh god Nayeon. There you are.” Irene took Nayeon’s face into her hands. “Jesus Nayeon you look awful. Let’s go okay?”

Nayeon nodded and was quickly brought into Irene’s arms. Both started moving towards the door. Everything would’ve gone smoothly had it not been for Nayeon glancing at Irene first. She saw how Irene was glaring in a certain direction. After she saw that, she looked into the same direction and saw Mina. Looking apologetic and a frown on her face was seen. Nayeon quickly averted her eyes and walked out a little faster.

After Irene helped Nayeon settle into her car, she put the car in drive and started driving. “So where do you want to go?”

Nayeon let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know anymore, Irene. I really don’t know anymore.”

She slumped in her seat and looked out the window. Pure defeat was shown on her face. The lights illuminating on her face did nothing to warm the cold and desolate feeling she had in her heart. Nothing could’ve been done for her. She was a lost cause.

**_Unless it's you and me_ **

After the short drive Nayeon and Irene took, Nayeon found herself back in Irene’s home. It was quite a contrast from the cold atmosphere Mina’s home brought. While Mina and Nayeon made it warm, the house itself held that icy environment that no one can fix. Irene’s house was cozy and with the other girls living here, it was such a nice environment to be in after the tense situation. Sooyoung, Seungwan, and Yerim all accepted her back into their home with open arms. All of them started to ask her if there’s anything she needs, just ask them. They’re more than willingly to help her.

Nayeon chuckled at that. Why do they care so much for a person they barely know? A fucking monster who destroys everything. There isn’t any need to help her because she deserves nothing.

Irene must’ve noticed the shift in attitude from Nayeon. She told the girls to let Nayeon have some space before they suffocate her. Of course, Nayeon was thankful for that.

“I think I’m going to crash after what happened earlier. Is it okay if I just lie down on the couch?”

“The couch? Nayeon, you’re sleeping in my bed. I thought I told you this.” Irene commented.

“You did?” Nayeon made a sheepish smile. “I wasn’t exactly paying attention in the car. My bad. Although Irene, I can’t take your own bed away from you. I’m getting way more than I deserve with the couch. I’m okay with it too. You sleep in your own bed okay?”

“Shut up Nayeon. You’re sleeping in my bed and that’s final.”

“Where are you sleeping then?”

“Seungwan’s bed obviously. Where else? Sooyoung and Yerim refuse to admit it but they sneak off to each other’s beds at night. Do you think I want to be involved in the late night activities they do? Gross.”

“Hey!” Sooyoung quickly intervened. “That has never happened before! We have no idea what Irene speaks of!”

“Ignore them. They’re always on something.” Sooyoung and Yerim both looked at Irene with scandalized faces. “Now! To my room with you. Let’s let you rest for once.”

“Thank you.” Nayeon said with a deflated tone.

**_I don't wanna waste a moment,_ **

After Irene led Nayeon to her room, Nayeon made sure the door was locked in advance before she finally let out all she was feeling that day. 

She brought her hand up to her mouth to muffle the sobs she couldn’t hold back anymore. Everything was coming to a standstill and she couldn’t take it anymore. Irene would soon find out who Nayeon is. The true monster she is. That can’t happen. Irene is someone she truly cares for. She can’t allow Irene’s image of her change. Mina was aware of the person she was, yet still allowed her in. It didn’t make any sense. Why? Why would she allow her? Mina despises her. Despises the person who killed her unrequited love. Dahyun’s mother hates her for killing her child. If Nayeon talked to Chaeyoung right now, she’d also start yelling at her for killing her best friend.

She tried holding back the loud scream she desperately wanted to let out. Of course, she couldn’t. The guttural scream that left her resounded in the room. When Nayeon realized she essentially alerted the entire street to her breakdown, she let go. She started banging her fists against the floor in pure agony. Screaming at everything and anything. She wouldn’t stop asking why did this have to happen to her? Why? She tried staying happy. She tried being okay. Only for it to get shattered constantly. Her friends left her. Her family left her. Her adoptive family abandoned her. Why was she constantly put through so much? What did she do wrong? Was it the fact that she was born? Did she take someone else’s place in the world and this is why she’s getting punished?

Throughout the whirlwind of thoughts, one stuck out in a jagged way. Maybe it’d be better if you’d die. Leave your place so someone more deserving can take it.

Nayeon didn’t get the chance to dwell on it more. Irene came into the room with a concerned face. With her arms outstretched in such a welcoming manner, Nayeon knew she couldn’t resist. Nayeon can be a bit more selfish with Irene. After all, the woman is bound to find out how much of a monster she is soon. Might as well cherish the moments she’ll have like this before it’s torn apart like everything she’s ever loved or cared for.

After a while of nothing but loud sobs, Nayeon tired herself out with the pent up rage she finally let out. Irene helped her out with getting into bed. How pathetic huh? She had to get help for doing such a simple task like getting into bed. She’s too pathetic to be taken care of like this. Other people deserve it more than she does. Nayeon underestimated how tired she actually was. When Irene laid her down and tucked her in, fifteen seconds of just lying her head down on a pillow, she was fast asleep.

One would think that since Nayeon was so tuckered out, she would be on her way to a dreamless sleep but of course the universe had a different route in mind.

**_And I don't wanna give somebody else the better part of me_ **

Nayeon found herself in a flower field filled with chrysanthemums. 

Oh god, no please not right now. Anything but this.

She felt herself being tugged by a familiar hand, a pale one that felt so tiny in her hand.

“C’mon Nayeon, we gotta go over there quickly before anyone else gets any other ideas.”

God it felt so real. Why was it so real? The smell, the breeze, the way her hand feels. Why did she have to be here now?

“Nayeon? Are you okay?” Dahyun questioned.

You know what, fuck it, let me enjoy this.

“Don’t worry Dahyun. I’m more than okay.”

“Oh good! C'mon we don’t want to ruin a perfectly good first date as you say it.”

Nayeon let out a sweet laugh. “Oh please. It was your idea. I only piggybacked off of it. Besides it is a nice first date location.”

“Mhm. Look! A perfect spot.” Dahyun exclaimed.

The spot was located in a small alcove that overlooked a good part of Seoul. With a bit of moss covering a portion of it, it was perfect for them. After they set up the blanket and picnic basket, both settled and started unpacking the food within the basket.

“You know Nayeon. I’m really glad we’re out here together like this. The day is so nice. So perfect to be a murderer. I mean seriously, look at the sun.”

“What...? What did you say...?”

“I said the day was nice Nayeon. Seriously are you feeling okay? We can stop this date and do it another time.”

“No! Please let’s just stay like this. When are we ever going to get this chance again? Let’s just enjoy the moment.”

“Well...In order for us to enjoy the moment, we should eat the amazing food I packed us. For this moment, you know?”

“Of course. Who am I to deny my precious Dahyun?” 

Love was pouring out of Nayeon’s eyes. She had her Dahyun back for a bit. Even if this was a dream, it felt too real for it to be shattered so quickly. She got what she wanted for a bit. That’s more than okay for her.

**_I would rather wait for you_ **

Hearing Dahyun’s laugh, Nayeon was brought out of her daze. 

“What’s so funny?”

“You. You’re the funny one. You keep spacing out on me.”

“Sorry. I’m just really happy to be here.”

“Hm. Well. Stay with me for a little longer okay? We still have dessert.” Dahyun pecked Nayeon’s cheek in an affectionate manner. “Let me go get it really quick.”

Nayeon caught Dahyun’s hand and pulled her in. She just wanted to show her love. She brought Dahyun to her and kissed her to convey the love she was feeling. Another one for safe keeping. Then another. There she goes again.

“Nayeon!” Dahyun said through a laugh while getting bombarded with kisses. “Please, I have to get the dessert and the knife.” Nayeon paused. “You know the one you delivered the killing blow with!” Dahyun got up with a giggle.

“What?”

“I need to get the knife so we can cut the nice cake I baked. It’s filled with red jelly!”

“Oh...Okay. Do you need help?” 

“Please.” Dahyun said with such pleading eyes. It was too adorable. 

Nayeon grabbed the knife from Dahyun. Dahyun brought out the cake from the basket and set it down. After it was put down, Nayeon cut into it. As soon as she did, the red jelly started pouring at a copious amount.

“Kind of reminds you of when you first saw me dying didn’t you? The blood all over my clothes and the floor? The sounds I made? The jerky movements as life was being brought out of me and you just watched?”

No. No. This wasn’t happening. This was supposed to be a nice dream. Not a fucking nightmare. Why is Dahyun saying this to her now? Was she just being used as a punching bag for the universe? Was this all some sick joke at her expense?

“Hey Nayeonie. Come back to me baby.”

“What? What happened?”

“You look like you saw a ghost. Let’s go back home. We can really do this another time. I don’t want you acting like this if you’re not okay.”

“No No No, I’m okay! I swear. I just need to lie down for a bit, okay? Let me rest for a short second then we’ll be right on track to eating the cake you baked.”

“Okay!” A peck to the cheek. “Let me know so we can resume okay?” Nayeon nodded.

**_Don't want to feel another touch_ **

Nayeon looked around for a moment to capture the memory. It was nice. It was exactly as she remembered it. The breeze swaying her and Dahyun’s hair. The smell wafting through her nose. The mossy stone underneath her feeling hard to the touch. What more could she ask for? Nayeon didn’t think anything would have soiled this moment. Maybe this is the universe’s apology for making her suffer so harshly and so rapidly. Except, you know, the universe does like playing jokes on her.

Nayeon closed her eyes and lied down. She felt Dahyun’s body slide next to hers. She wrapped her arms around Dahyun’s waist. Wow, even she felt so real.

“Nayeonie?”

“Hm?”

“Why’d you kill me?” Nayeon’s eyes snapped open. She quickly sat up and saw the damage.

**_Don't want to start another fire_ **

There sat Dahyun with a stab wound. Blood pouring out quickly. Dahyun’s small hands tried holding the wound to prevent faster bleeding but it only proved to be futile. More blood gathered around her fingers until her hand was splattered with the red liquid.

“Oh, god.” Nayeon scrambled to her side instantly as Dahyun collapsed on the pink blanket. “Hang on. I’ll go get help.”

“No! Don’t leave me. Don’t run away from what you did to me. You killed me. You caused all of this. You’re the monster who took me away from everyone.”

“Dahyunie...please.”

“You don’t deserve to plead, Im Nayeon. You don’t deserve anything. The only thing you do deserve is pain and suffering. You’re a murderer. You killed your parents and you killed me. Who’s next on your victim list? Mina? Or Maybe…Irene? Irene would make a suitable fit wouldn’t she?”

“No… please not her. Not anyone.” Nayeon lowered her head in shame as the tears kept blurring her vision. Dahyun’s words were hardly able to break through the barrier. Nayeon’s heart was beating so fast in her ears. She could feel her blood rushing through her entire body.

“Look at me, Nayeon. Look what happened.” Nayeon forced herself to look up and almost vomited at the sight.

Dahyun was decomposing right before her eyes. Her skin was giving way to pink flesh beneath. Her brain showing its presence as her skin cracked further and peeled away. The smell that made its way to Nayeon’s nose was taunting her.

**_Don't want to know another kiss_ **

“I really thought you loved me, Nayeon.”

“I did. I still do. I still fucking do Dahyun.”

“Hold me, then. Show me you still love me. Show me you wouldn’t leave me. Even through sickness and health.”

Nayeon sobs started getting louder as she held Dahyun. She didn’t feel like Dahyun did. This isn’t her Dahyun anymore. This Dahyun was nothing more than a shell to her. She felt the bones through her clothes. Dahyun’s bones kept digging through her own skin as she started decomposing at an impossible rate. Nayeon could even hear the skin giving way.

“Nayeon.” Dahyun said weakly.

“Yes, Dahyun?”

“If you really did love me, you’d join me. You’d join me wherever I’m at. You’d join me in the plot of land they made for my body. You deserve to die.” muttered Dahyun.

A particular harsh sob left Nayeon’s lips. 

“Kiss me before I die, Nayeon. It’s the least I deserve.”

Nayeon leaned in despite Dahyun’s decomposition. When her lips did meet Dahyun, she felt her body finally give in to the rot and decay. Her last breath left her like her actual Dahyun did. Nayeon was too scared to pull away knowing when she did, she’d see the horror that was left behind. All because of her.

Nayeon pulled back but didn’t open her eyes yet. “Please, please wake me up. Please get me out of this nightmare.”

Nayeon did open her eyes after a couple of fleeting seconds. 

Nayeon’s guttural sob echoed throughout the area. This Dahyun was just a skeleton with skin still flaking around it. By god the eyes were still intact. The one feature that was sticking out. When Nayeon tried moving away, the eyes rolled out of her head and landed right in front of her. 

She let out a scream of horror after they fixated on her.

**_Baby unless they are your lips_ **

The first thing Nayeon felt when she had awoken was two hands shaking her shoulders. The first action she did was to lash out at the body in front of her. A foot landed contact on something.

“Fuck!” A feminine voice said.

Nayeon opened her eyes to see Seungwan clutching her stomach in pain. She scrambled to where she saw Seungwan clutching her stomach in pain.

Everyone came barging into the room after the yelp wendy made. “What the fuck happened here?”

Irene made a gesture at Sooyoung and Yerim to take care of Seungwan while she went to Nayeon. “Hey Nayeon…Are you okay? Can you tell me what happened?” Irene tried leading Nayeon away as she was coaxing her into a soft state.

The nightmare left Nayeon in such a wreck it rendered her into complete silence. It felt as though Dahyun herself took her ability to speak.

Since Nayeon couldn’t speak, she would show Wendy how sorry she was for injuring her like that. She walked up to Wendy’s form and started getting on her knees to bow to her.

“Oh god Nayeon no please. You don’t need to do that at all. I just need to ice it! Don’t worry about it or me! I’ll be up in no time. I’m a fighter after all.”

Wendy’s words did little to change Nayeon’s action. She even stayed like that after Wendy started getting up with the help of Sooyoung and Yerim to get an ice pack.

Only when she heard the click of a door and she felt Irene’s hand on her back did she finally sit back against her knees. “Are you okay, Nayeon?”

Nayeon was too emotionally drained to care for any lies she might say so she only shook her head.

“Oh Nayeon. Come here.” Irene brought her into her arms and cradled her head. “Everything will be okay, eventually. I promise you.”

Nayeon could only hope Irene was telling the truth. She couldn’t take anything anymore. Nayeon buried her head deeper into Irene’s chest as her thought process was tainted.

They stayed in that position for a while until Irene got Nayeon to stand up with her and lead her into bed. She couldn’t even argue with Irene as she climbed into bed with her.

She didn’t go to sleep that night. Not after that nightmare. Not even with Irene’s comforting body protecting her when she needed it most. She was still awake even as the sun was peeking through the horizon.

One thought was plastered in front of her. 

I’ll be with you soon, Dahyun. I promise.

**_Don't want to give my heart away to another stranger_ **

Whatever sleep Nayeon had gotten that night was quickly disrupted with the jostle of Irene leaving her bed. The recollection of last night taunted her to the brink of crying. What crying could Nayeon do if all she felt was numbness? Nayeon rolled over to look at the clock Irene had on her nightstand. The numbers read 08:00. 

Irene must’ve noticed the movement out of the corner. “C’mon sleepy head. The day is good. It is 78 degrees outside. No clouds in sight. Possible rain later in the day though! Such a nice day on the 28th of May. You know what they say, March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers!”

Did Nayeon hear that correctly? “What’d you say..?”

“March winds and April showers bring forth May flowers?”

“No. The date. What’s the date Irene?”

“Oh. It’s May 28th. It really is a nice day to go out and do something. Why do you ask?”

There’s no way she forgot her birthday was coming up. It’s only been three months since she died. She couldn’t have forgotten. It’s too recent. 

Oh god, is she forgetting her own girlfriend? Dahyun means the world to her. Why is she leaving her memory like this? This isn’t the way it’s supposed to go. She recovered from this. She knows she did. The only thing she wanted more than anything was to never forget Dahyun. Dahyun, the one person in her life who truly loved her. The one person she took advantage of by accident. Who she took too much out of. It cost her everything to do with her. Why couldn’t she keep her in her memory? Let her be selfish.

God she misses her so much. She’d give anything to be with her. Whether it be in her dreams, in her memory, or wherever Dahyun resides. She’d move the planets and stars if it meant she had one more do-over. Just one day. One fucking hug. 

That’s it. Wherever Dahyun resides. How could she not think of it? She can be with Dahyun. She knows exactly where Dahyun is.

“Hey Irene, now that you mentioned it. It’s nice to see such a nice day. I might go take a walk.” Nayeon stood up and started walking towards the door.

“Hey, aren’t you going to take a shower or at least change?” Irene said.

“What? Do you think I stink hm? Wow, thanks Rene. Appreciate it.” Nayeon’s pathetic attempt at a joke only furthered to cause Irene to worry.

“Listen Nayeon, you and I can go for a walk. Let me just get a couple of things. We can bring the girls along too. What do you say?”

Nayeon teared up at the attempts Irene is trying but there’s no point anymore. She’ll be gone soon. “Thanks Irene but I seriously just want to take a walk to clear my mind after last night.” Luckily, the mention of last night got Irene to back off. When Nayeon was able to leave Irene’s room, she stumbled upon the other girls going through their morning routines. Of course she had to stumble upon them, especially Seungwan.

“Hey Nayeon!” Seungwan greeted, “Where are you off to today?” Nayeon noticed the slight wheeze Seungwan had when she talked. 

“I’m sorry about last night… I don’t know what came over me. I wasn’t thinking and someone above me after a bad dream just caused my brain to short wire. Don’t worry though, it’ll never happen again. I really am sorry.”

Seungwan waved her off. “Don’t even worry about it. Accidents are bound to happen. Besides! I can always heal. Boy, you pack some strength though. Make sure you utilize that. Have fun with whatever you’re doing! Be safe!”

Yerim and Sooyoung made idle chit chat with her for a minute until they both saw the clock that hung upon the wall. “Oh shit Yerim look at the time we need to go! By the way, Is there any place we can take you Nayeon? We can skip over us getting coffee to take you somewhere?”

While she should deny them, it would be faster to take a ride with them. “Actually yes, that’d make things a lot faster if you don’t mind.”

“Sure just tell us in the car.” All three of them packed into Sooyoung’s car. After Nayeon had specified the address of where she wanted to go, they drove. The ride to her destination was something. The constant playful bickering Yerim and Sooyoung constantly threw at each other reminded her of Dahyun and Nayeon’s old relationship. Nayeon had to be blind to not see the pure chemistry those two had. She could see the longing in Yerim’s eyes when she looked at Sooyoung. The heart eyes Sooyoung had. It hurt Nayeon to see them so happy. It reminded her too much of Dahyun and what she used to have. She shouldn’t worry about that anymore though. She will get to see Dahyun again. No matter what.

“Hey Nayeon? Did you put in the correct address?” Yerim asked. “I think we’re at the wrong place.” 

Nayeon looked out the window to see the sign above the lot. It read ‘Seoul Cemetery.’ “No, we’re at the right place. Thanks for the ride guys. Take care of yourselves.” Nayeon opened but paused as she took one step outside. “Yerim and Sooyoung...go for it. I’d be a fool not to tell you guys not to ask each other out. Anyone with basic vision could see how much you two love each other. Just go for it. You guys won’t regret it. Please nurture what you guys have. Never take it for granted. Thank you guys for what you’ve done. Goodbye.”

With those last words, she stepped out of the car, slammed the door, and walked to where she needed to be for one last time.

**_Or let another day begin_ **

Nayeon was finally at her destination. The headstone of Kim Dahyun was right in front of her. She could only assume whatever remained of Dahyun was under her feet. 

“Hey Dahyun.” Nayeon said with a gentle voice. “It’s me. Nayeon. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything is so much right now. Your parents hate me. That one is pretty acceptable all around. Mina is mad at me for killing you. I’m sure the girls aren’t saying it but I’m sure they hate me for taking you away from them. Especially Chaeyoung. After all, I’d be pretty bummed out if my best friend died even when it could’ve been preventable. Speaking of preventable, why’d you do it Dahyun? We could’ve gotten you help. I would’ve done anything to help you. I never wanted you dead. I never wanted to see the light fade from your eyes. Why’d you choose that method? To see all the blood on the floor. To see you suffering so much. To know that you could’ve stayed with me a little longer if I wasn’t the one who pushed that knife deeper into you on accident. Why? Please. Please Dahyun. If you’re really there just give me a sign. Anything? Something to show me? Please I need you. I need you so badly right now.”

Nothing but the wind and the rustling of leaves could be heard.

“You know it’s your birthday today? Had it not been for me. You would’ve been celebrating it. I don’t know how or with who but you could’ve been alive and healthy. Had it not been for me, you would’ve been 24.” Nayeon let out a sad chuckle. “I’m sorry for not bringing a gift. Dreadful etiquette. God I’m sorry Dahyun. I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. For everything that led you to where you are now. I just seriously hope somewhere out there that you’re safe. That you’re happy. You can finally rest without all the pain.”

Nayeon sat down in front of Dahyun’s headstone and gathered a notebook from her bag. “Wanna help me write these? Figured it’d be a nice little send off before I do my last ever task. I don’t know if they deserve it but maybe it’d be closure for everyone.” Nayeon pulled out a pen and started writing on the paper as she spoke to Dahyun’s headstone. Ranting and asking for silent advice to write her notes correctly. 

Eventually, Nayeon was done. “I’m sorry Dahyun. I just can’t do this anymore. The constant hole in my heart won’t go away. Everything is so empty. I’m done with everything and everyone. They don’t deserve anything I’ll do to them. I’m the monster here. I know I am. I’m so done. If this is what you felt at your last moments Dahyun, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I did this to you. I’m sorry you had to do this to escape your pain. I know why now. I don’t know if I’m going to see you after I’m done here or if it’s just a void that I have no knowledge of, but I know what I need to do. Wish me luck Dahyun.” Nayeon put her hand onto her headstone. “I love you, Kim Dahyun. I always will.”

Nayeon got up and started walking towards the exit from the cemetery. As she went towards her ultimate demise, her heart sank with every step. She knew she was final in her decision but it didn’t make her less anxious knowing exactly what the outcome will be. One last stop was the post office. She needed to ship out the letters before she perished. Firstly, to her own adoptive parents. Secondally, Dahyun’s friends. Especially Mina and Chaeyoung. Lastly to Irene. Everyone deserves an explanation. One last final resolution to this entire mess she created.

As she finally reached the post office and sent the letters, her phone started blowing up with notifications. All of them from Irene. Of course. The only person who stuck with her throughout this whole mess and tried helping her as best she can. All of the texts she sent were Irene worried about her. It doesn’t matter anymore. Irene will get rid of her soon enough. There isn’t point to worry. She’ll be gone. Nayeon kept repeating that phrase that she hardly noticed the calls that Irene was sending her way. Eventually she noticed enough that she had no choice but to answer.

“Hello?” Nayeon said

“Jesus Nayeon. Where are you? Sooyoung and Yerim mentioned that you were acting so weird when they took you. They also mentioned a cemetery? Nayeon please don’t tell me you went to go see her.”

“I did. She was the last person I wanted to talk to. I know what I need to do Irene.”

“Nayeon please you’re not making any sense here. Please tell me what’s going on.”

“You don’t need to worry about me anymore Irene. I need to go where Dahyun and I first met. It’ll be a tragic climatic ending to a sad and depressing story don’t you think? God the first time we ever met, Irene. I was such a dumbass. She talked me off of Mapo bridge. Can you believe that? She talked me out of suicide or at least long enough to stall me. I never got the chance to return that. She never told me anything. I watched her die Irene. I watched her die in my arms. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m going to end this sad excuse of a life I have. Don’t bother with me anymore Irene. I’ll be gone.” Nayeon’s voice started wobbling. Wow who knew Nayeon still had a tiny bit of tears left after everything. “Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. Look out for something in the mail okay? I’m sorry you ever met me.” 

“Nayeon plea-” Nayeon ended the call before she could hear Irene try and talk her out of this. Her decision was final. She was going through with it.

**_Won't even let the sunlight in_ **

The walk to that destined bridge was quite uneventful save for the constant influx of notifications from Irene. 

She was going through with it, Nayeon kept repeating in her head, there was nothing going to stop her. 

She chucked her phone towards the street and watched as a car ran it over. There goes one problem. Now, time to deal with the major one. Herself.

Nayeon scrambled to get on top of the railing on this bridge. She didn’t even notice her hands were shaking harshly. Maybe it was the nerves finally getting to her. Whatever, it won’t matter at all in the long run. She’ll be dead within the next two minutes if she’s ballsy enough to go through with it. She finally got to the top and sat down.

Nayeon let a sad laugh out of her mouth. “Well! This is it. One last talk with anyone out there. God, Am I really doing this? No. I know exactly what I’m doing this for. Everything will be over soon. Soon, all the pain will be gone. Easy and Fast. Hopefully painless.” Nayeon took a deep breath and exhaled. “Now, goodbye to a world that treated me exactly like the person I am. Thank you for showing me the truth.” Nayeon closed her eyes and started scooting along the edge. One more deep breath.

“Nayeon!” Oh god please no. “Nayeon please.”

Nayeon turned around to see Irene next to the railing. “Nayeon please. What are you doing here? Come down with me. Let’s talk about it. Please.”

“Jesus Irene. I told you not to come looking for me. How’d you even know where I was?”

“You mentioned mapo bridge. I went to the cemetery Yerim and Sooyoung mentioned first. I didn’t see you there. Then I went here. Here you are. I need you to come with me Nayeon please.”

**_Oh, I'll never love again_ **

“Why does everything hurt so much Irene? I can’t take a single breath without feeling in pain. I can feel pain in my stomach, my brain, and the worst one of all, my fucking heart. I can’t get rid of it Rene. This is the only way to get rid of it permanently.”

“Nayeon listen to me please. You have so much to live for. You’re only 26. You’re still young. I know things may seem like the end of the world. Trust me I know, I felt the same way you did when Seulgi died but I got better with help. Please Nayeon. Please come with me. I can get you the help you need. You may not realize it but I’m always going to be there Nayeon. I know we only met a couple of months ago but we’re alike in so many ways. Please. We can talk about this. Just don’t jump.”

**_Never Love again_ **

“You know, I thought you would get why I have to do this. Your wife died, Irene. You shouldn’t talk me out of this. You should know how much this is killing me. I’m a murderer Irene! I killed everyone I loved. It’s best if you leave me alone. I don’t want to kill you either. It’s only a matter of time. You either get angry with me and snap at me like Mina and Dahyun’s parents did or you end up dead like Dahyun and my parents.” Nayeon yelled.

“I do know Nayeon. I felt so lost without Seulgi by my side. She was my best friend. My other half. There was a constant emptiness without her around. I got through it though. Nayeon, I know you. You’re stronger than you think. A little push with the right help and you’ll get right back on the track again. I promise.”

“You missed one important detail Irene. You had your friends there with you. I know Dahyun’s friends won’t say it but they hate me. There was a constant sunshine with her around and without her, there’s a constant gloom in that group now. I took Chaeyoung’s best friend away from her. I took Mina’s love away from her. I have no one. My parents are dead. My adoptive parents abandoned me. What little friends I made on my own are gone. You though, I do appreciate everything you’ve done for me. Tell Sooyoung, Seungwan, and Yerim thank you for me. This is the end for me Irene.”

“I apologize for asking this Rene, but what’s the time?”

“It’s exactly 9:00AM. Why do you ask?”

Nayeon let out a watery smile. “Let it be known. Im Nayeon’s passing is at exactly 9:00AM on May 28, 2021!” Nayeon stood up one last time and fell forward.

Nayeon could hear Irene yelling at her but it soon became distant as she heard the sound of water moving getting closer and closer until nothing.

**_Never love again_ **

The first thing Nayeon opened her eyes to was a bright white light.

“What the fuck?” Nayeon thought. “Aren’t I supposed to be dead? Fuck, please don’t tell me I ended up in the hospital.”

A sweet giggle broke through her thoughts. She knew that laugh anywhere. She could pinpoint it anywhere throughout a crowd.

“Dahyun?!” Nayeon shouted. “Dahyun are you here?” 

Nayeon started running towards the sound of that laugh until it became louder and louder. She ran until she saw a specific form. There was the love of her life. Exactly how she always saw her. Encased with light around her and with a white gown adorning her entire body. “Dahyun?”

The owner of that name turned around. “Hi Nayeonie.”

**_Oh, I'll never love Again_ **

The first letter went towards her parents.

“Hi mom and dad. Whether you read this or not, that’s up to you. I thought I’d get my feelings out on paper before I ultimately meet my death soon. That’s right. Your kid is going to die soon! Not sure you’d care either way. I don’t know why I included you in this actually. You abandoned me after you found out that you guys could actually have kids. The moment you knew that, you stopped treating me like I’m your kid. I was only 11 too. Do you have any idea how fucked up that was? To make an 11 year old feel like she was worth the world after her actual parents died not too long ago? Only to metaphorically throw her into the streets? Why? What made you think I wasn’t worth it? I really did love you guys but somehow you guys couldn’t share the same thing. I know I made be someone’s fucked up leftovers but why? Anyway, I guess I’ll never know. I’ll be dead by the time you get this, at least hopefully. I sincerely do wish you a nice life with each other and your children. Goodbye.”

The second letter was to Dahyun’s and Nayeon’s friends.

“I’m sure as you guys get this letter, some news will break out. Whether that’d be I died due to my suicide method or I somehow miracously survived it. It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to apologize for everything I’ve done. Thank you guys for taking care of me when I needed it most. Thank you for checking up on me after Dahyun’s death. I don’t know why you guys did it but I appreciated it more than you may realize. To Jeongyeon, thank you for baking me pastries when I didn’t eat anything. To Momo, thank you for always getting me on my feet and trying to do something. To Sana, thank you for always showing me affection that I forgot. To Jihyo, thank you for always helping me take care of my well being and my old apartment. To Mina, Thank you for giving me shelter when I needed it most. Thank you for trying to help me get back on my feet. You never had to do any of that, you weren’t forced to do it. Thank you for everything even if I fucked it up Mina. I know I don’t deserve your pity at all but I just wanted to apologize to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it in person. I’m sorry you never had a chance with Dahyun. I’m sorry I took that chance away from you and took Dahyun away from you.To Chaeyoung, thank you for showing me how much solace I can find in any art form and helping me try new things. I’m sorry I took away your best friend from you. I know you didn’t show it but the pain that constantly reflected your eyes every time you showed to check up and care for me told me everything I needed to know. You deserved better than that, Chaengie. To Tzuyu, thank you for taking me to shelters and helping the poor animals who felt alone and abandoned. I took comfort in those animals because I felt their pain. Thank you for showing me that I can always find a friend out there in the world who knows my pain. I do know that wherever Dahyun is, she’s finally happy and free of pain. I’m very sorry to ask you all this but do you mind telling Dahyun’s family how truly sorry I am? I hope they find comfort knowing that their daughter’s murderer finally ended her life. Anyway, my final message will be, thank you for everything you all have individually done for me. I’m sorry this entire mess had to happen. I hope none of this brings you any pain.”

Thirdly and lastly to Irene.

“Hey Irene. I know this may or may not come out as a shocker but surprise! I’m dead. I’m really sorry I let you down like this. I couldn’t take it anymore. There was too much pain to live with anymore. I really don’t know what else to say honestly. I want to tell you how much I truly did care and love you for everything you’ve tried to do for me. I know the first night we met was awful. I’m still glad I got to know you though. Tell the girls I’m sorry for what I did. I know I didn’t know them long enough but they’re wonderful girls. Now please, for my sake, make sure Sooyoung and Yerim confess their feelings to each other. Those two girls are too oblivious for their own good. Trust me, if I was there, I’d sit those two down in a room and force them to talk. Sorry I’m getting off track. I just want you to know Irene. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me. I need you to know that all you did for me wasn’t in vain. It made an impression on me. I know it wasn’t the impression you hoped for but at least it was something. I know I never got to meet Seulgi but please. Please live your life for the sake of me and Seulgi. Please. I love you Irene. Thank you for everything. I’m sorry.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long with this. I figured anyone reading might actually want a happy ending. I'd like to preference that in no way was I trying to romanticize mental illness in anyway with this story. I do suffer from some things in this writing and it's just based off a couple of experiences I've had. It's just something that came to mind one bad night I was having and thus this story was created. Please do give me feedback in the comments seeing as how this story was my first! Thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Come and find me @WereLow on twitter!


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